Espwa Berlancia, Meet Operation Love The Children Of Haiti.

For the past several weeks, months even, I have been struggling. Struggling with why Espwa Berlancia wasn’t living up to the dreams that I had for it. Struggling with the fact that, for days on end, no one would come to be tested. Struggling with the fact that I didn’t feel like I was able to use the resources that God, and all of you have richly blessed me with for the good of the Haitian people that I so desperately want to serve. Mostly I have been struggling with the fact that there is a new little girl in my life who I love more than anything else. More than Espwa Berlancia and the dreams that I came to Haiti with.

There is a passion within me to help Haiti as a whole but there is a tiny little Haitian girl who’s well being consumes my every desire. A calling above all, to be this baby’s mommy!

There are things that I am embarrassed to admit right now, judgments that I passed many times before. Who do people think being a parent is SO hard, just “do” it. Put your baby in their bouncy seat and wash the dishes. Stick them on the floor with some toys and answer your emails. And then the single moms, I thought they were the worst complainers… WAKE UP CALL! Annabel likes her bouncy seat in bouts of nearly 10 minuets tops. We don’t have a swing… Tummy time is torture time. Last week I sat next to her in the backseat of the car to keep her entertained during a long ride. Oh, I can’t count how many times I judged other parents for doing that. I guess now I’m a part of the club!

As the realization became more and more clear and my heart began to shift I knew that I needed to truly think about the future and what that means for Espwa Berlacia, what it means for me and what it means for Annabel. It didn’t take me long to realize that something had to change. My passion for putting in 100% of myself into that project was no longer there but my passion for the work that we set out to do is still very much alive. I needed to figure out a plan.

God put many potential paths before me, several that I got excited about. Some of them really got my hopes us. Many of them seemed “perfect”.

I had no idea what do to and so I decided to stop trying and start praying. Through a few broken dreams and some serious disappointments God finally let me to the path that He had planned from the very beginning.

Operation Love The Children Of Haiti is a Creche located just down the street from me. I have loved spending time with them since I moved here and I have developed some wonderful, strong friendships with the ladies who serve there.

Yesterday I had a meeting with Jasmine, the director of OLTCH. We sat down and discussed my fears, I poured out my heart and desire to her and through that conversation God spoke to both of us, He had prepared my heart and my skills to be some of the very things that OLTCH needs at this time. Even more amazingly, Jasmine and I spoke about Espwa Berlancia and our hopes and goals. She expressed that she has also had a passion for HIV in the past. There was no doubt that God had ordained this meeting and this relationship.

Espwa Berlancia will continue. I will stay in Haiti, the place that I love, crave and was created for. I will continue to pour myself into being the very best mother that I can possibly be to my little Bel. All of this will happen because of God and because of His beautiful mission called Operation Love The Children Of Haiti.

On March 15th my lease for this house is up. By that point I will need to be moved out and into my new home. OLTCH has a piece of land where they have constructed temporary shelters. They have offered to build a home for Annabel and I on that land! It will take just a few days to construct but I need to raise the funds to pay for materials needed.

$2,500 is what I need. That will provide Annabel and I with a place of our own to live and work in.

When I move to OLTCH I will be helping primarily with their adoption paperwork as well as doing some fundraising for them. In addition to that Jasmine and I will be working together to figure out how to incorporate Espwa Berlancia into their mission.

I am so incredibly humbled and blessed that God has made so clear to me the path that He has chosen. I am excited to learn my new roles and get to know this amazing group of people and kids.

I hope to see you all join me in this new chapter of growing, learning, loving and being, in Haiti, as long as My God allows.

If you would like to help with the cost of constructing my new home please donating here!

Always Changing

It seems like nothing in this country ever goes as planned. God uses Haiti to grow and change people and sometimes the growing pains hurt.
Please, be in prayer for me over the next few days as I learn where God is leading me, Annabel and Espwa Berlancia.

My New Kitchen

A few weeks ago I had an awesome visit from two wonderful friends. Melanie and Emma came to spend 3 weeks with Annabel and I!

We had so much fun visiting and catching up while Annabel got seriously spoiled with all those arms ready and willing to hold her.

I got a little extra sleep while the ladies took turns getting up with Annabel (although she is a great sleeper) and was able to catch up on a lot of things that I had been putting off since she was born.

By far the highlight of the trip was the gift that Melanie and Emma brought along to bless us with.

Before leaving Canada they did some serious fundraising and were able to gather enough to purchase a refrigerator and stove for the house! Up until now I have only had a small cooler to keep food in and have been cooking over charcoal in the back yard or on an electric hot plate.

We were able to buy both the fridge and gas stove in Port and a wonderful friend with a pickup truck delivered them for us!

It is such a treat to have cold water to drink and yummy meals prepared. We even made a SPAM pizza one night, delicious!

I am so thankful for the willingness of these two sweet friends of mine in coming to spend time with Annabel and I and for everyone who donated to make this AMAZING new kitchen possible.

Thank you so much, gals!

The Going Rate

She is 3 years old.

Kissable cheeks, scarred by years of neglect and streaked with tears.

Eyes, dulled, listless.

She crawls into my lap and I feel her heartbeat against mine.

Thud, thud, thud… a story of pain, of searching, of hopelessness.

I look at her face, at her little hand in mine, her tiny toes. I hear a whispered promise… “I will give her a future, hope”. A statement, “I knit her together”. A declaration, “this one is MINE”.

I look at her face, at her little hand in mine, her tiny toes. I hear an offer… “You like her? Give me $1,000 and she is yours.”

Today, the going rate of a life in Haiti is $1,000. I know because today someone tried to sell me a perfect, precious little girl, for $1,000. A life, a future a CHILD, for $1,000.

I try to wrap my head around it… A human being… a thousand dollars.

Everything inside of me screamed to grab her up and run away, to shield her from ever, EVER knowing that someone could possibly put a price tag on her.

One thousand dollars… less than the cost of a car, a vacation, an airline ticket, maybe less than the cost of the computer that you are sitting at right now.

I think about that baby girl, how much more she is worth than the temporary treasures that this world sells. I think about her falling asleep tonight with no idea that someone, somewhere loves her. I know it’s true because I love her.

This little girl is one of many “for sale” in Haiti today. The business of buying and selling human life is sickening and it happens way more than any of us realize. Today the stories I have heard came to life in the breathtaking face of a child.

I think about $1000, how I would gladly pay that, and more, to make sure that she knows how precious she is. But it’s not that simple and life here is complicated. I can’t “buy” children no matter how much I want to rescue them.

So I sit here, stuck in a very hard place, praying with all my might. I pray that someday, somehow that baby girl grows up to know that she is worth so much more than $1000, worth more than all the diamonds, rubies and gold in the world. I pray that someone teaches her that she was bought, not with a currency of this world, but with precious blood.

Sweet little girl, I close my eyes and I see your face. I am so sorry for the life that you are living and the pain that you feel.

Baby doll, you are PRICELESS.

Adopting Annabel

Even though I am blessed to be living in Haiti and having Annabel with me during our adoption process, I know that this time will be difficult and unpredictable. I have already seen the heartbreaking side of losing a child that I thought would be mine forever. Haiti has laws and rules that make it almost impossible for me to adopt my precious little girl. Thankfully, I have met with a wonderful lawyer who has helped develop a great adoption plan and I am trusting that God means this little girl to be mine forever.

Annabel's birth mother and I went before the judge in November to sign papers giving me custody of Annabel here in Haiti. This is not an adoption, but it does give me physical custody of her and is a very important step in the adoption process.



I have also had her birth certificate issued.



My next step will be to have a home study done so that paperwork can start being prepared for IBESR (Social Services here in Haiti). During this time I will also need to apply for residency in Haiti, my lawyer has advised me to have that in place before we move forward with the adoption.  

Once the home study is finished we will need to prepare the dossier. That's the home study plus all of the other paperwork required by Haiti to approve the adoption. The cost of the entire dossier, including the home study and residency is approximately $5,000.

To officially start the adoption process I will need to come up with that amount.

Once that is all done I will need another $7,000 - $10,000 for the in country fees, passport and visa process. 

Wow, those are some big numbers! Thankfully, my God is bigger!

I have been racking my brain on how it's even possible. I have especially struggled with the idea of asking for donations towards the adoption. I don't want to ask someone else to pay my bills, I hate it. I have a part time job working here in Leogane for a private contracting company, I put everything I can into our adoption fund but it is becoming obvious very fast that I will never be able to save the money on my own.

There is a group of women in Minnesota who make beautiful quilts. Breathtaking. Just the idea that my daughter could be covered with one of their creations is a blessing. The idea that she would also be covered  in the love of all of those who cared to help us build our family? Well, that's almost beyond comprehension.
Blessings and blessings and blessings...

And so, I've decided to ask for your help yet again. For each donation of $5.00 or more made to our adoption fund you will be invited to send a message, prayer or scripture for Miss Annabel. Each message will be turned into a square for her quilt with the name of the friend who helped to bring our family together. The ladies will put them all together and during their time of sewing the women will be praying for Annabel, Haiti and our family. This quilt will be something we will treasure forever and it will be a beautiful, tangible way to remember those who love Annabel Kay!

I'm placing a chip in button here and on the sidebar of the blog, please, if you are donating towards the adoption fund use the chip in and not the paypal button. Please also add your prayer, scripture or message in the "notes" area during the "checkout" process.

If you would like to send a check you can mail it to
Espwa Berlancia
PO Box 16803
Alexandria, VA
22302
Please put Adoption Fund in the memo and include your personal note for the quilt.

Good News!

Hip Hip Horray!

Annabel had another HIV test today.

She had a test at 6 weeks and I retested again at 8 weeks to be sure.

This little cutie is NEGATIVE!

Praise The Lord!

The Lord your God is with you. He is MIGHTY to save. He will take great DELIGHT in you. He will quiet you with His love.

Right Where He Belongs

Well, I’m doing it. I’m surviving, even thriving, in some ways. I play with Annabel, I clean the bathrooms, I fill out paperwork and I put band-aids on all the hurts that knock on my gate.

Gup is all moved in, back with his Mom and Dad. He left the 27th and we have been working on getting them situated ever since.

The good news is that I was able to find them a house super close to mine. This is the view out my bedroom window.

See that wooden building with the tin roof there in the center of the photo? That is Gup’s family’s new house! There is just one house/tent between us.

I am able to walk and visit several times a day, if needed. However, I have to force myself to remember that I can’t go there several times a day, I can’t even go there every single day. I need to give them time, as a family to find their new “normal”. Still I go often.

Last week I went and stood in the doorway, amazed, in praise to God for keeping His promise to me. A promise that He would hold my baby when I couldn’t… Gup and his big brother sat on the floor while their mother read to them from the Bible. Later in the week I visited and found them all gathered around the TV, watching a praise and worship DVD and singing along.

My baby lives in a home that is teaching him to love Jesus. Above all else, more than the pain of missing him, I have joy. Joy that my boy will grow up in a place that teaches him Truth, a place that knows the hope and the future that our God promises.

I can’t tell you it doesn’t hurt. There are moments that literally take my breath away when I am hit with how much I miss him. I do everyday things and then just stop… wishing he was here, remembering what it was like when we were a family.  But, there is an underlying peace that can only come from The Father. I am not hiding in bed all day, I don’t cry all the time, I’m not falling apart. Not because I didn’t love him but because God has given me peace. God has given me the GIFT of peace. At first I felt guilty. I SHOULD be falling apart, I SHOULD be lying in bed all day, so broken that I couldn’t face the day. I SHOULD have felt the way that I was supposed to feel, how the world told me to grieve. But then I remembered a whispered promise, “we do not grieve like those who have no hope…”. He was mine, only for a short time but God is claiming him for our forever family even now. Someday, we will be together in a place that never changes, a place where there is no goodbye. God has his hand on my Gup and He is guiding his steps. I don’t have to feel guilty for trusting my Father to take care of my baby. I don’t have to feel guilty for not grieving in the way I am “supposed” to. I don’t have to feel guilty on the days that I get up and smile and laugh.

I don’t go on because I didn’t love him enough to hurt, I do it because My God loves him, and me, enough to wipe that pain away.