Sunday, May 10, 2009

In 30 Days

I have tried so hard not to let the numbers crawl into my head. Not to let myself focus on how little time I have, and to live in the moment as much as possible. Some days are harder than others. Today is one hard day. Today I have 30 more days. 30 days to love, hold and soak in these sweet babies. 30 days to feel the feeling rushing through my soul, that I am exactly where I need, and where I want to be. I have 30 more days to give them every little bit of me, before I have to once again, put all my trust in Him, not to let me down. I have to trust Him to know that if He chooses to take me away from the only place I ever want to be, it will be for good reason. To have enough confidence in Him to know He will reveal to me the thing He must surely have planned to erase my gut wrenching pain. Again, some times it is easier than others.

Of course I know that there has to be something…but I can’t even begin to imagine what that could be. What comes about 30 days from now will surely be the biggest test of my faith so far. Once I let God’s calling take me over, coming to Haiti was a choice that just felt right. Leaving last year to come here was scary, I will admit, but it was scary is such a good way. I knew with confidence that I was going to a place where God chose for me. I was going to the place I was created for. To come here wasn’t a challenge. The real challenge comes one month from today, the real challenge comes in leaving the place where I feel more alive than ever before. The real challenge comes in trusting that my Jesus, who hates to see me in this pain, will carry me through it. The closer it gets to June 10th the more I am forced to face again and again, that His plans are not my plans. I came here on September 18th with a return ticket dated June 10th that I never intended to use. I came here ready to stay forever. Though I hadn’t shared it with most people, my plans did not include a return from Haiti. I was fully ready to let God keep me here as long as He chose. But again and in His mysterious ways, God did not let me making up my mind change His. In some ways it still doesn’t make sense to me. Why, when I am so willing, would He still want to take me away? I have no idea, but one thing I am sure of is this, in trusting Him, I have gotten the greatest blessing imaginable. How can I doubt that following His will again will leave me in the same place?
I think many of you will wonder, if I am in so much anguish over leaving, how I could still believe that it is God’s will. To me it is a simple answer. God told me that it was time. There was no burning bush or talking donkey, but through my quiet time with Him, God revealed to me that His plan was for me to get on that plane on June 10th. I prayed so fervently that God would chose to let me stay and that He would give me a peace about it and that just hasn’t happened. As confused and upset as I am about leaving, there is a peace behind it that only comes from One. No matter how much I argue with that feeling, no matter how I wish it away, I know Who sent it. And I have to decide to either let Him be God, or not. I chose to let Him be. As confusing as it is, He has yet to let me down and I must face this next challenge, confident in that fact.

For the next 30 days I need to choose to let Him be in charge. To not focus on my grief but live every day with the expectation that God has something incredible for me to learn. To know that every single day here was orchestrated by Him and that I have an opportunity, every moment He lets me have, to do great things. I have 30 more days to let God teach me, through a place that has captured me entirely, the lessons He knows I will need. I know that no matter how much I try to give in my time here, God didn’t need me in Haiti to do this work, rather, He needed me here to reach me. I have experienced and learned things here that I could never have learned in the comforts of home. Lessons that I just have to believe are worth the pain. I am begging all of you to please continue to pray, as I know you have before, for me. My biggest request is that the peace that I feel would be more overwhelming than the pain. That no matter how dark the moment the light of God’s love would be bigger. Most of all pray that in these last 30 days I would learn so much about my Jesus, that daily I step back in amazement and His will, which I fully believe in, would be as clear as day. I pray for undeniable God moments to fill up my hours and days so that I can think of nothing else. I pray that even in only 30 days I would do exactly the things He tells me with no question. I pray that I would live like never before in this next month. I pray that I will be filled to overflowing with the joy of my Lord. So many years ago He chose me, and He’s never has to do it again. I on the other hand have had to choose, time and again to give it up. Today, I choose again, to let Him be. Today I choose to live wherever He puts me with the passion that Haiti has brought out. Today I will choose to trust Him enough.

Learning lessons,

Somewhere In The Middle Casting Crowns

between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be Somewhere in the middle,
You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the
right Somewhere between the darkness and the light Somewhere between who I was
and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle,
You'll find
Just how close can I get, Lord,
to my surrender without
losing all control
Fearless warriors in a picket fence,
reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow
and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to
the differences,
the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade
our dreams for His
or are we caught in the middle

Are we
caught in the middle
Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans Somewhere between the safety of the boat
and the crashing waves
Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door Somewhere between contented peace and
always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me
Just how close can I get, Lord,
to my surrender without losing all

Lord, I feel You in this place

and I know You're by my side

Loving me even on these nights

when I'm caught in the middle

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