Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I'm Going To Miss This

24 hours…and the seconds rush by. Regardless of how hard I pray, they clock is still ticking, bringing me ever closer to that hour that I dread. I am sitting here soaking in every precious moment that I can and wondering how on earth I didn’t spend ever day for the last 9 months like this. How could I have ever floated through a single day, why didn’t I treasure every hug?

Last night I went through the goodnight ritual I have come to treasure. Every night I start in the big nursery and go from crib to crib giving goodnight kisses. The babies have come to know and expect this habit. As soon as I come into the room they all run for their beds and then tip their little faces up with their tiny lips puckered. As I go from bed to bed and hold them for a few seconds I am filled with a joy that I never knew was possible. It is the true definition of contentment and love. From one room to the next until I have seen 91 babies, I end my day. I don’t know how to go to sleep without it. After tonight I will have no choice. I’m going to miss that.
Yesterday I was in my room packing when I stopped again, overwhelmed by the fact that my God knows and cares about me so intimately that He called to a place that He created me for. He gave me a passion for babies that He used to do his work! It is a passion that is never far from my heart. As I though about it my arms began to ache to hold one of those precious ones and so I set aside what I was doing and walked across the yard, up the steps into the high care room and picked up and cuddled 4lb 9oz baby Jonathon. Like I have countless times, when I start to miss them, I was able to go into a room and pick up a baby. I can at anytime put aside anything else I might be doing to cuddle. Nothing here is more important that just holding them! I’m going to miss that.

This morning when I left my room to walk into the house I was welcomed by a chorus of “hiyas” Above my head were all the babies on their balcony peering down at me and greeting me for the day, just like they do every single morning. I’m going to miss that.

At Lunch I went upstairs to sit for a few minuets. When I came in the room "L" stood in the doorway. As soon as he spotted me he turned and ran in the other direction squealing until I caught up with him! Sweet "C" sat in his crib with Little Twin, who had climbed from his own bed and both of them looked up at me with their 4 tooth grins, smiling like they hadn’t seen me in days! Around the corner "G", when she spotted me yelled out “G-bebe” over and over again. Turning around the nickname I gave her to use on me! Every single one of these babies have become precious to me. I know them all! I can tell you at any moment who loves the swings and who is scared of being thrown up in the air. I know who needs kisses and cuddles and I know who wants to run and wrestle. I can sit downstairs and listen to them crying and tell you who’s voices I am hearing. There at 91 little faces that I know by heart, but get to see every day. I’m going to miss that.

When I sat down to write this post "P" was on my lap and as my tears began to fall he reached up one small hand and touched my face. He said “mama” I’m going to miss that.

Right now he is sitting on the bed next to me asleep and I can hear him breathing. I’m going to miss that.

There is sadness in my leaving but as I have searched my heart I am unexpectedly finding an emotion even stronger. More than anything I feel guilty. These sweet little babies expect to see me every night for their good night kisses. "P" knows that every day as soon as he finished eating I will come and get him. "L" waits for me at the door of the nursery for our game of chase. None of them know that tomorrow all that will stop. And when tomorrow comes and they don’t have that goodnight, or that special moment, none of them will know why. I know that they will get over it, that it won’t be more than a few days and they will have forgotten, but in those days where they still remember there will be pain and the guilt I feel in leaving them and causing that breaks my heart. I am sad, and I feel guilty. I don’t want to be the one to cause their pain. For 9 months I have been the one who could pick them up and take their pains away. I’m going to miss that.

Being every second, just a few steps away from the children who have given me a passion and brought more joy that anything else in my life ever could…I’m going to miss that.

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