Monday, August 31, 2009

A Legacy

While driving in my car recently I have heard a certain song over and over. Usually this annoys me. I hate when they overplay songs, when you can't turn around without being bombarded by the same melody. Most of the time it's enough to make me want to pull my hair out. But this particular song has touched me. Every time I hear those familiar chords of the beginning I have to just crank it up and sing along!

(don't forget to pause the blog music at the bottom of this page!)

This song is the prayer of my heart.

It feels strange to approach this topic. I almost feel like bringing attention to it disregards everything I am trying to say, but it's come up so often lately that I just need to share.

I am not a good person. I do not go to Haiti and do the work I do because I am so giving and kind and "christian". In fact the reasons for the work I do are 100% selfish. I work in Haiti because I love it. I love every single bit of it. I love the smells, the people, the food, the country as a whole. I love Haiti. That is why I work for her! I was given a passion and equipped to live it out. I didn't chose this path, but I can't deny it. I go to Haiti because I literally can not live without it! I do not go there because I want to do good things, I go there because I want to feel alive! I go there because that's the only time that my chest doesn't ache when I breath in and breath out. I go there because that is where the constant pain in my arms is soothed by the weight of a tiny child. I go there because it's the only thing I really truly love to do.

I know that God uses me in my time there. I know that the things that come about because of the work of His missionaries in Haiti are good. I know that lives are being saved and battles won for our God, but not because of my human body. No, the works I do are not good, but the God that I serve is.

I will never claim to be a good person and it makes me cringe when people think that I am. The truth of it is that not one of us really is a good person. Mother Theresa was not a good person. She was a person who gave fully to God, her sinful self and chose to let him lead. But that didn't take away any of the sins in her life. In the same way, though I am a changed soul, my mind and body still fail. Countless times a day I disgust myself with the things I let take over. The lying, envy and pride that creeps it's way into my heart. The anger and selfishness that overtake me. I want to be different, and in some ways I am, but mostly, I am still the same girl I was, waking up every day in desperate need of a savior. I will never make it on my own.

Does this mean that I think I am an awful person, not at all. Just to get out into the open that I am just like anyone else. Thankfully I have been called and forgiven by a gracious Savior. When He looks into my soul He sees the purity that He has given. But as long as I am in this world I will never be able to live completely in that purity. I can try my best but when it comes down to it, I am completely reliant on the Grace of my Father. How thankful I am for that grace! Because of it I don't have to spend my time focusing on the ways I fail, but can live every day striving to point to the One who has saved my life!

I have heard many times from people what a good thing I do by working in Haiti and of course, everyone needs to be encouraged. But I want to make sure that rather than see me in the work that is being done they can look past and see the One who called me, who prepared me, who created me, who gives me the strength to make sure that not my will, but His be done. The One who truly deserves the credit. I want to live every day to leave a legacy, not of my name but of His grace!

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