Sunday, September 6, 2009

And I Can't Forget It

I'm not over it...

That's the straight up truth...

And even harder to voice out loud...I don't think I ever will be...

It's hard to say because I don't want it to be true. I want to wake up and not take a few seconds to realize where I really am, and not have to face the pain when the truth hits me once again. I want to sit through an entire meal without losing my appetite because I remember the hunger I have seen in the eyes of the people I love. I want to laugh and not jump a little at the sound because it is so out of place. I just want to be able to be what I once was.

But what would I give up?

I don't want to be the person I used to be. I don't want to revert to that wandering, selfish, mess I was. I don't want to go back. But sometimes, some days, I just want a break from the things I now know. Sometimes I long for the bubble of naivety that I used to live in, just for a break from the hurt I feel. And then I realize how selfish that is. People, not just faces and numbers, but names and hearts that I know, people I count as my very dearest friends, live every day in a world that I just visit. I remember throughout my daily activities, what they experience every moment of their lives. I think it's difficult to live with the remembering but it's nothing compared to the every day lives of the ones I hurt for.

I hate that I can't just suck it up and be strong. I hate that no matter how hard I push myself to move on, I can't. I hate that I can't just make myself be ok. I hate the helplessness that I feel. I hate not knowing where I am going and what I am doing. I hate that I have no control over what is happening in my life right now and I hate that I can't just do the one thing I was created and made to do. I hate that I don't know where to go from here. I hate that there is no end in sight.

I really try to do the things I know I can do, while I am called to this place but sometimes I just can't make myself. Sometimes I get so angry that I am not passionate about that place I have been put. Sometimes I am so disgusted with myself for not being able to force that passion that all I can do is weep. I am upset that the things I am doing feel so meaningless.

I count the days... 87, since I left the place I love. 87 days should be enough to adjust. 87 days later should not find me still unsettled and restless. But sometimes life goes on, and no matter how hard I run, I do not. 87 days may as well be just seconds. 87 days means no more to me right now that the 2 hour flight that took me away from the land of my heart. 87 days is not enough. So I wonder what will be. When I have been gone from Haiti for 100 days will my heart finally heal? When It has been 365...maybe 366 will do it... I don't know.

I find myself struggling more that I ever thought I would. I want to be back to normal, but I am terrified to forget and become, once again the person of my past. I want to live in joy, but the only things I have found in my life that bring me true joy are a lifetime way. There is nothing in the world I live in right now that draws my love, but somehow I need to learn to not only survive, but to make a life in it. I have yet to find a resource that teaches me how to do that. Instead I do what I can to just get through. To get up, go about my activities and go to bed, anything to pass the days. I can't believe that's what I have become. I never in a million years could have imagined that this is my life. In the past week God's Littlest Angels has lost 2 tiny babies while I sat on my couch doing nothing. While I know the names of those 2 there are hundreds of other little ones who also died this week. Some in the arms of loved ones who desperately willed them to live, given a name, wanted and loved. Still others this week were not even given that...babies died this week alone, cold, unnamed and forgotten. Babies died while I did nothing. That is hard to live with. To go from a life of meaning and passion, to one where I am just a face in a crowd is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. To learn how to overcome this is proving just as hard. I pray for a passion to overtake my heart once again, but tonight all I can do it wait.

I've seen what I've seen and I can not forget it...I don't want to forget it. I pray I will never forget it.


Anonymous said...

i remember meeting you this past october when we came to file the I600 and kiss our didier......i think god has only just begun to engage with you in your passion....have you ever gone to remind me a bit of her........

adopting didier from gla

Anonymous said...

you sound like so many who have gone to haiti, even if only for a few days.
you sound like many adoptive moms, unable to live what their heart is pleading with them to do.
day by day and relish in the moments of this life you are in and God will call you back to where you belong.