Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The last month has been crazy! I've moved to Bozeman and am still getting settled. Yesterday while unpacking a box I came across a case filled with cds holding all the video clips that I took during my time in Haiti. Needless to say, the rest of the day was quite unproductive. I watched videos and cried. The memories were so vivid that I swear I could close my eyes and wake up there. I could smell the air. I could feel the sweet skin and tiny rise and fall of his little chest in my arms. The reality that hit me when those videos ended broke my heart. When the clips ended the silence hurt. I haven't decided yet if it was a good idea for me to watch those videos. Since then I think I've taken 2 steps back. It's June 11th and I'm in a fog. Everything around me is much too fast. I miss, more than anything the sweet moments of this video.

At one moment while watching I just broke down. I realized that I had so many days, just like this one, that I let slip by. I did not treasure every second and that breaks my heart. I don't know how I could have ever wasted an afternoon sitting in my room, or hours and hours sleeping, while I could have been with them. There are so many things I would do different now looking back. There are hurtful things that went on I have never shared with you. I loved Haiti, I loved my time there but it wasn't always good. A lot of mistakes were made, by myself and others and some relationships tested in difficult ways. When you live and work with someone and you really have no seperate lives it can become trying. There were feelings hurt and anger for meaningless reasons. I became really discouraged. If God's missionaries could hurt eachother so badly what hope is there for the rest of the world. Here we are trying to reach His lost, and we are busy amongst ourselves. It's disapointing, and hurtful. Mostly hurtful. When we are all there for a common purpose, brought together by a love for His children and called by Him, why do we distract ourselves with the things of this world? Why do we waste the time we are given?

Weather in Haiti or here, every day I have the chance to do something meaningful. I also have the chance to do nothing. Way too many times I chose to do nothing because the things I can do seem too small. Today I will to change that. I will not waste my life. I may never look back on these days like I look back on the days of Haiti and long for them again, but I know that I have to chance to at least look back and find meaning in these times.

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