Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Goodbye

23 minutes ago I found out that my Ti Raje will leave.

He will go today.

I promise you I am so happy for him, and yet at the same time, my heart is breaking. His mama is waiting with open arms, but I am not ready to open mine and release him. I didn't know this was going to happen already.

When I found out, I was in the nursery and beyond my control the tears began to fall. The nannies, who I have hugged and loved through their own tears this past week took me in their arms and held me. Tears were shed all around. We are happy but it's never easy to say goodbye. There is never "enough" time. It never gets easier. I have held this sweet baby while he discovered the world and I discovered it again, through his eyes. I kissed him when he cried and fed him his first bites of food in days. I rocked him and sang songs that were saved only for his ears. When I came back and he was so unsure, I sang him those same songs. It was in that second that he looked into my eyes with recognition. He knew who I was, it was back to those months. Again, I was "mama". The nannies used to call me "mama Patrick" He is the baby who taught me everything I know about love. Today I let him go, in that love and in the assurance that the One who held him while his world rocked beneath his feet, will hold him on a flight to his new life. I am so happy and yet I cry, I can not lie and say they are tears of joy for they are not. They are tears of a heart that is lost and aching. I don't know how to even start to say goodbye to him...

How do I say goodbye?

8 comments:

Eternal Lizdom said...

That's the sad part- there is so much emphasis on open adoption but the connection to the works is lost. Is there any opportunity for you to contact his family, to somehow stay in contact, even to just see pictures?

You've been his foundation, his mother. You've taught him the most important lesson- love. You've given him the greatest gift that God can ask you to give- love.

And you have many more that need that from you now. You will continue to love him and pray for him and never forget him. And more will benefit from the things he taught you!

Lori said...

(((((Rhyan))))) I can only imagine how hard this. May God continue to wrap his arms around you. And may he hug you just a little bit tighter today. XX Lori

Dorrie said...

It is a bittersweet day for you for sure....for it is wonderful that Luxemborg has released visas for the children, but of course so hard to say goodbye. May God send you comfort in knowing he will be held in love, God's love, and the love of his family who have been waiting so long to hold him!

Anonymous said...

All I can say is "Thank you! Thank you!!!" I have been on the other side of this blog. I have been the mom waiting with empty arms for my child to come. I have been the one waiting, wondering, praying, and praying that someone was holding, snuggling, feeding, singing to and loving my child. I have been the one with a hole in my heart waiting and waiting for all the paperwork to go through. Thank you for being the answer to some mother's prayers. Thank you for being the one to hold and love and give of yourself into a child's life. What you do is an awesome gift! What you do is eternal. Thank you!!! Praying that the Father will wrap you in His arms today.
Gina

Anonymous said...

You are in our prayers. We are proud of you. Keep yourself and all those babies safe! We are also praying for the nannies. We hope they can find peace in their hearts.
Shirley and Herman

Anonymous said...

You will be in his heart forever! And he in yours.Think of his mommy's excitement today! Praying for safety in Port and on the flight!love Mom

Anonymous said...

I have been reading since I found the site about a week ago. My prayers are with you and your team. What lessons you have taught this sweet boy as you prepared him for his new family. We will continue to pray for you and your mission.

Traci

Anonymous said...

I am Ti Raje's mom in Luxembourg... Rhyan, I know your heart is aching and how difficult it is for you... I know the "mama" you've been for him. His heart and my heart will never forget. You gave him so much... I cannot be full of joy when this is happening because of the earthquake... I pray for this long way to Europe for children coming to Luxembourg. I pray for you and all the kids for the trip to Miami. I pray you can bring back all material needed for GLA. I pray for Haiti and all the children there. I pray for my baby cousin W. in GLA and all kids adopted by French families so the French authorities stop their intransigent bureaucratic approach. I promise to give news. Thank you...
BĂ©atrix