Thursday, January 14, 2010

I Will Not Go

Tonight they evacuated all Americans who wanted to leave... I write you this from Haiti. I will not go! I can not go! The babies need us. To be perfectly honest I am scared to go... I am not brave. Just so you know. I am not strong. I am crying, I am shaking. Even when the earth is still I can feel it swaying beneath my feet. If I am telling the truth I am scared because I know I can not go downtown right now. I can not see, smell and hear what is there. To get to the airport I would have to do it. I am not strong enough for that.
We have only a fraction of the staff members we need to care for all the children. Today we fed, changed diapers and cared for all the little ones alongside the nannies who are here. We worked beside them as they received long awaited calls about family members. They were safe. Praise Jesus. Tonight, we worked along side of them as one received the call everyone dreaded. Her brother. We cried with her. We held her, and then she wiped her eyes and went back to changing the diaper in front of her. What words do we have to comfort them? A language barrier is broken, in crying there is no barrier. We all cry the same. Haitian staff members who have been out are in shock. The strongest men I have ever seen are breaking down in tears after seeing their own people wiped out. The destruction and devastation is indescribable. No one can understand it. Piles of bodies are faces they know and love. The pain of losing just one person is often unbearable. How do you deal with the grief when it is over and over again? I don't know. I don't think anyone does. I heard these words "I'm not ok, I'm not ok, I will never be ok". They came from the mouth of someone I love. How can my heart break for them and at the same time not be able to feel their grief. I hurt for them but I will never understand.
Tonight I am in Haiti. I'm sorry if some of you don't understand that. Tonight, and every night until the day my God tells me to go, I will remain. Is it because I am brave or because I am scared...Honestly I don't know. But I am here and I will do what I can do.

16 comments:

Brittnei said...

Rhyan! my heart breaks for you and with you. tears are constant.
I have contacted every admin I know seeing if they could use a couple extra hands for a week or so @ GLA.. I would be on a plane in an instant. I am awaiting response. Please let me know if you hear anything and I will book my flight.
Love and Hope,
Britt

Anonymous said...

Rhyan, thanks for staying with our babies! Love Heidi

Abby said...

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for staying!!!
Scott and Abby Hoefer
adopting Alex from the toddler house

We are doing everything we can here...calling senators and all of the news stations.

Gabi said...

You'll know when to go Ryhan...He'll make it clear. Bless you and your babies.

Michelle H said...

Rhyan, I am so proud of you. You are braver than you think. You are getting one heck of a sparkling crown when you get to heaven! We wish for nothing more than to be there along side you, but I guess God has called us to be "home support". Please feel free to use us as such anytime!!

"I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, 'You are my servant ';
I have chosen you and not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:9,10

"The poor and needy search for water,
but there is none;
their tongues are parched with thirst.
But I the Lord will answer them;
I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.
I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
and springs within the valley.
I will turn the desert to pools of water,
and the parched ground into springs."
Isaiah 41:17,18

Love you,
Michelle

Bridget :) said...

I don't think you are wrong to want to stay. I thought the same thing when I saw a couple who have been in Haiti doing missionary work. They were on their way home. I wondered if I would want to go home, if I would want to leave the people I originally came to help...I'm not sure what I'd do. Stay safe...the kids will be your light.

Anonymous said...

I am in shock right now reading your stories. My heart aches, and really I wish I was there. I thank God that you and all the others are there to take care of all those "little miracles". God will show you when the right time to come home is. Stay strong. You have the Mighty One on your side!! God Bless you for what you are doing. You have so many praying for you in Fergus Falls.
Carrie Hopponen

Meg said...

Your heart is beautiful! I would not go downtown either. Like you wrote, I will not pretend to understand the depth of your feelings, but I know the ache my heart has felt and I cannot imagine what yours is feeling. Thank you for staying with God's most precious babies. He chose these dates for you to be there long before the earthquake occurred. He WANTED YOU THERE! He knows the love you provide for those children and your steadfastness in serving Him. Please PLEASE know that you are being prayed over by SO many people!!! And so are the people of your country....they are being loved and cared for. As horrible as it is...the world knows of Haiti now...and maybe, just maybe, "greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city" I pray when you open your eyes tomorrow morning you will see sun....not hot, sweat making, humid sun, but wonderful loving, full of promise and hope sunshine. Sending you hugs, lots of love, and tons of prayers! <3

Anonymous said...

Rhyan, I believe that you made the right decision. God will make it clear when it is time for you to leave. I believe you stayed because you are STRONG. You want to be there with your babies so you can make sure that they are safe. God is with you and them and will keep you and them wrapped in his arms.

Mary Christenson said...

Rhyan, as we read your blog, we are in tears. Please know that our hearts ach for the beautiful people of Haiti. We will continue to keep you and those precious little ones you care for in our prayers. What else can we do for you on this end?

Anonymous said...

Rhyan, You are all in my prayers. Your words touch my heart and I know you are being used by the Father. Thank you for being willing to be used by Him.
Laura

J. Buettner said...

Dear Rhyan,

Being scared does not mean you are not brave. Brave is scared...that stands and fights. I am praying for God's peace for you.

Love,

Dad

Lisa Z said...

I found your blog through someone in Fergus Falls, on my Facebook page...you are doing a beautiful thing. I feel that if I was there, I couldn't leave either. Probably because right now I wish I were there, helping! Even though I've never been to Haiti, never even thought about going there before this.

God bless you and keep you safe and well while you care for all those little ones. We in the US are praying for all of you.

Lisa
St. Cloud, MN

Anonymous said...

Rhyan....what a beautifly heart you have for this country and those sweet little babies. God is SO there with you ALL in this horrible horrible disaster. I am praying for strenth for you all for each minute. Thank you for all you are doing there Rhyan. Lots of prayers coming your way.

annette said...

Rhyan, I firmly believe that you are in Haiti at this time becasue that is exactly where God wanted you. I knew when I heard they were evacuating Americans that you would not be one of those to go. We support you in your decision to stay and will support you in any way that we can from here in the states. We love and appreciate you!!! hugs and kisses to our G-Bebe!! I hope she has warmed up to you now. I know she must be scared and uncertain. Your familiar face is good for you to see!
Love,
Annette Franklin
mommy of Gedeleine

Roberta said...

Rhyan, we are praying for you, for your babies, and ALL of the beautiful people of Haiti. May God keep each and every one of you safe. The US is praying for relief to Haiti, please know you are not forgotten! Please tell Miriah and everyone else that those of us in Parker, and in CO are keeping all of you in our prayers. Thank you for all you are doing for those precious babies. May GOD keep everyone safe each and every day.

Roberta