Friday, February 19, 2010

I Don't Understand

Why do babies die?

I know...Believe me, I know. I am too mature to be asking that question. I know the answer. But tonight I don't really actually want the answer. I just want to be allowed to question the wisdom of God's plan. And yes I also know, I'm not "allowed" to question God, but sometimes I do. Sometimes I'm not mature at all.

I don't understand why babies die. I don't understand why a mother has to give her son to a stranger to give him a life. I don't understand why a family has to chose which of their children will go to school, or eat a meal today, because they can't afford it for them all. I don't understand why young adults, who had finally risen above the influence of a country that lacks all sufficient education, were crushed to death in a building they worked their entire lives to sit in. I don't understand why there are men in Haiti who have lost their wives and children, and are now totally alone in the world. I don't understand.

I don't understand why Haiti hurts so much. I don't know why people who can barely get up off their knees had their faces shoved in the dust. I don't understand. They are just people like us. They have the same dreams we do. They love, they laugh, they hurt, they cry. They sweep their floors, cook whatever food they have and dream about tomorrow. They kiss their children as they leave for school and greet them when they come home. They hold hands with their husbands while they talk about things that matter to them. I don't understand why they can't catch a break. I don't understand at all.

I don't understand how the Haitian people live in joy. How they raise their hands in praise before the tears of pain on their cheeks have dried. I don't understand their strength.

I don't understand why I was chosen, why I was born into a life millions can not even fathom. I don't understand why I got this and they got that. I don't know why I can still, even after all I've seen, go hours in my day without thinking about it. I can't even begin to imagine it being not a memory but my every moment. I don't understand it.

The thing is, I know the answers for all these things, but that doesn't make it any less painful. It doesn't make it any more right. I know why bad things happen. I know the glory that the Haitian people will one day have in Heaven will be all the beter because of the suffering they felt on Earth. I know those how were killed in one of the most horrific ways I can imagine are now in a glory capable of making up for all the unfairness. I just don't understand why Haiti, so much more than some other places. Why these people that I love. I don't understand.

Yes, I know, but I don't understand...


Nilsens said...

It's ok to ask's ok to cry out to Our Loving Father.
-Kjirsti 'Erickson' Nilsen

Beth said...

so hard to understand...

please keep writing..