Friday, February 26, 2010

Never

A baby should NEVER look like this.


There are reasons I work in Haiti. One of those reasons is because of children like Clerecineau! I have never held him in my arms but he is forever in my heart. This child has changed my life! This morning, after weeks of being so calloused by the things I have seen that I had all but shut down, I was shocked again. That is how it should be. People should be shocked to see these photos. They should be shocked that an almost 13 months old baby could weigh 5lbs. I should be shocked and today I am! This little boy opened my eyes, and my heart again...Thank you Jesus that I still feel!
I have been so scared lately that I have finally had too much. I was scared I had reached a place where I didn't feel compassion. I spent so many days and hours telling myself that I couldn't cry. I had work to do! There was no time to break down, you face what you need to, you do what you can and then you move on to whatever is next. There is no time or energy for anything else. I did it over and over again until I just didn't cry anymore. When a baby died I didn't cry, I had no tears left and when I read the stories or saw the pictures I felt nothing at all. When I sat in my room and tried to face my pain I just felt numb.
I thought that maybe I waited too long. Maybe I would never fully feel again. Is that a good thing? It's what I thought I wanted. To just ignore it long enough that it would go away. It's what I thought I wanted but when I got it I was scared to death. I don't want to know a world where these things are acceptable. I don't want to live in a world where a child's life, and her death means nothing to anyone. I hate that world. I hate it but it goes hand in hand with what I love. I want to love it but I don't want to live it. I WANT the pain to break my heart. I want to cry. For almost 7 weeks I didn't. For those few days when it was the worst I needed to be strong, I had no choice there was no time for feelings. When I finally did have the time, I found I no longer had the tears.
I know I need to be effective. Every phone call I make and email I write has the potential to change someone's world. I need to do what I can do! But sometimes I also need to be allowed to feel and to cry. I need to allow it from myself and realize it is all a part of the passion I have. If I didn't feel anymore my work would be pointless.
Until today I was scared I was becoming to calloused for this work. This morning I saw this photo and I felt a stabbing pain in my chest and an ache in the pit of my stomach. My eyes stung with the tears I had prayed for. A face and a name shocked me out of the place of confusion I was in. Out of the realm of floating through and back into the world I crave! Today, I cried, finally...

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

finally is right. use all of the emotions God gave you.

this baby is a miracle..to have survived this long...and to have touched so many so far.

Cathleen

Marla said...

Oh my. Can I please have him? This is so sad. I have no idea how you deal with this everyday, but I think you for doing it. You are truly doing God's work.