Tuesday, March 23, 2010

10 Weeks and My Wish

Why can't I shake this?

It's like 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

Again, tonight I cry.

It's another Tuesday, 10 weeks now...

I made the mistake of going back and reading my last blog from before the earthquake... I literally sob over that post. I was so joyful, so enthralled, so blissfully unaware. I had no idea. Oh, how badly I ache to go back to that day. To the day before. It was the day everything in my life was entirely perfect, the day that I was completely fulfilled. It was the day that was all I could ever ask it to be. It was the very last day that all I ever knew and loved, was exactly as I had always known.

I read back and my heart aches over and over again. When Ti Raje left and I said goodbye I wish I would have held him longer. I wish I would have let him sleep in my arms until the last second that I could, rather than putting him in his crib to answer those emails that were waiting. Had it fully sunk in that it would be the last time I would ever hold him, I promise I would have done things different. I wish, that as I drove through the streets of Port Au Prince that day, I would have treasured every second. I wish that I would have spent my breath on prayers over the city I love rather than on mindless chit-chat of the others in the car. I wish I would have known that I was leaving and not coming back. I wish I would have said goodbye to the nannies in the way that they deserved. When I left we joked about me being back the next day, they didn't know...I didn't know either. I wish I would have known. I wish I would have said goodbye, to them and to the Haiti I was leaving behind. I wish, that I would have been there to dress Patrick in the perfect outfit to meet his mama in. I wish I would never have have gotten on that plane.

Last week I was on vacation with my family. I came home on Saturday only to learn that my Haiti had be struck once again. This one, a 6.0... How long after an earthquake can they still be called "aftershocks"?

Since Saturday I have been searching my heart for how it is that I feel, I still don't know. I am empty. I go from moving on to entirely overwhelmed. I forget just long enough to feel the gut wrenching pain of remembering. I try to push it away, but I can't avoid it forever. The ones that I love are still trapped in this hell... I wish I was there. I wish that I was huddled outside in the cold with them when their fears force them out of their beds. I wish that I could sit and listen to them talk about their dreams for their families. I wish that my tears would fall mingled with theirs, instead of alone on my cheeks. I wish I was with my friends. I wish I could do more. I wish that I could give them above and beyond, everything that is within me . I wish that I was selfless and that the reasons I wanted to be there was all for them. I know I never will be. I want to be there to ease my ache for the country I fell in love with. It's possible that I could bless them in that, but I want to be there for ME. I wish it was still the same. I wish this was a dream. I wish it would all go away. I wish I could go back to the day before. I wish I was still there.

Why can't I be there? Why isn't this just an awful nightmare? Why does this have to be real?


nan said...

i am sorry, rhyan, for your heart's hurt. i am so thankful for how you serve and inspire, and give perspective on the amazing people of Haiti, to those of us who have never been. i do hope you'll get to return much sooner than later.

~ christi said...

I know you hurting. It is hard to see things when you're in the middle of them. You are here for God's purpose. He will give you peace. He will reveal himself to you. You cannot go back to that day because then you would not go where He needs you to be, this place he has brought you to right now. Know that He is God! He knows the plans he has for YOU.