Why can't I shake this?
It's like 1 step forward and 2 steps back.
Again, tonight I cry.
It's another Tuesday, 10 weeks now...
I made the mistake of going back and reading my last blog from before the earthquake... I literally sob over that post. I was so joyful, so enthralled, so blissfully unaware. I had no idea. Oh, how badly I ache to go back to that day. To the day before. It was the day everything in my life was entirely perfect, the day that I was completely fulfilled. It was the day that was all I could ever ask it to be. It was the very last day that all I ever knew and loved, was exactly as I had always known.
I read back and my heart aches over and over again. When Ti Raje left and I said goodbye I wish I would have held him longer. I wish I would have let him sleep in my arms until the last second that I could, rather than putting him in his crib to answer those emails that were waiting. Had it fully sunk in that it would be the last time I would ever hold him, I promise I would have done things different. I wish, that as I drove through the streets of Port Au Prince that day, I would have treasured every second. I wish that I would have spent my breath on prayers over the city I love rather than on mindless chit-chat of the others in the car. I wish I would have known that I was leaving and not coming back. I wish I would have said goodbye to the nannies in the way that they deserved. When I left we joked about me being back the next day, they didn't know...I didn't know either. I wish I would have known. I wish I would have said goodbye, to them and to the Haiti I was leaving behind. I wish, that I would have been there to dress Patrick in the perfect outfit to meet his mama in. I wish I would never have have gotten on that plane.
Last week I was on vacation with my family. I came home on Saturday only to learn that my Haiti had be struck once again. This one, a 6.0... How long after an earthquake can they still be called "aftershocks"?
Since Saturday I have been searching my heart for how it is that I feel, I still don't know. I am empty. I go from moving on to entirely overwhelmed. I forget just long enough to feel the gut wrenching pain of remembering. I try to push it away, but I can't avoid it forever. The ones that I love are still trapped in this hell... I wish I was there. I wish that I was huddled outside in the cold with them when their fears force them out of their beds. I wish that I could sit and listen to them talk about their dreams for their families. I wish that my tears would fall mingled with theirs, instead of alone on my cheeks. I wish I was with my friends. I wish I could do more. I wish that I could give them above and beyond, everything that is within me . I wish that I was selfless and that the reasons I wanted to be there was all for them. I know I never will be. I want to be there to ease my ache for the country I fell in love with. It's possible that I could bless them in that, but I want to be there for ME. I wish it was still the same. I wish this was a dream. I wish it would all go away. I wish I could go back to the day before. I wish I was still there.
Why can't I be there? Why isn't this just an awful nightmare? Why does this have to be real?