Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Carry You To Jesus

Sometimes I feel like my entire life consists of counting days. Of anniversaries. 709 days since I first set foot on Haitian soil, 27 days since I last have. 338, the total number of days I have spent in Haiti. Yesterday was 56 days, 8 weeks...since my world changed. Since the end, and the beginning of everything I have ever known. I hate counting, I hate the number that sticks in my head. I hate that every Tuesday morning when I wake up, the first thing I do is calculate how many weeks it has been. I want to focus, not on where we have been but where we are going. Sometimes I am able and sometimes a number pops into my brain, 56...and then I take 2 steps back. How could I have gone to sleep and woken up 55 times since that first night. How could the world still be spinning so fast when I feel like everything I knew stopped in those seconds? How could it be 56 days when it feels like just hours?

And yet 56 days is a lifetime. How could 56 days pass with nothing getting better? How can families still be sleeping in the streets 56 days later? How could people still be dying of injuries they received 56 days ago? How could a little boy be missing his mama and still, 56 days later, not know where she is? How could my own life be changed so dramatically in only 56 days. It feels like I have been this person so much longer than 8 weeks. It feels like I never knew life before earthquakes.

In 56 days my life has changed and yet, everything is essentially the same. I have not lost in a great way. Yes, I have lost the idea of the Haiti I once knew. I have lost the way I once thought about life, I have lost the ability to comfortably slip into a pattern of nonexistence and indifference. But it is the things that I have not lost that have cut me to my soul. I have not lost my family, in fact my family has grown! I have not lost my home. I have not lost all of my worldly possessions. I have not lost a limb. I can hurt for Haiti but the truth is, I have no idea how they truly feel. I love Haiti in a way that was woven into my inmost being, but I do not know Haiti like her people do. As much as it feels like my home, it is not. I do not have to stay in Haiti if I don't want to. I have people I love and a life outside. Though my passions and my heart is there, Haiti is a choice I have made. For those born into that country, Haiti is a much different picture. If Haiti gets too difficult for me I can chose to leave. If the ground won't stop shaking beneath my feet, to the point where I can't stand it anymore, I can get on a plane and land in a new place.

I do not and I probably will not ever, understand the pain that the Haitian people feel. I can not make myself understand. All I can do is all I can do and right now all I can do is lift them up in prayer. All I can do is give them to Jesus and let Him heal their broken hearts. Right now I am a world away. I can not hold them in my arms. I can not sit with them in their grief. I can not be there. But He can, He always is. It was the privilege of my life to be in Haiti during her greatest time of need. It was a calling that humbles me daily and that I still feel undeserving of, but it was an appointed call. I have been chosen, I have been prepared and I have sent. Now that I have seen I am responsible. That is why I chose to trust that the work I do everyday matters. That is why I am confident to let God take care of my physical needs while I work for His glory. That is why I get up every morning, excited for what the day ahead holds! That is why I breath in and out! Because I am doing everything I can for the people and country that I love, I am fulfilled. Yes, some most days I long to be there, I want to be among them. I want to be next to them as we work. I want to listen to creole words fly around me and smell the sweet smell of garlic and rice as it curls up from the stove. I want to hold their babies in my arms. I want to fall asleep to the sounds of roosters and tree frogs! I want to be in Haiti! But more than that I want to love Haiti. I know to love her, truly love her, I need to give up what I want. I need to do what is best for them! Right now I can do more from here than I can there. I can be more effective working for Haiti outside Haiti. I don't like it but if that's what it takes, I will do it!

I heard this song for the first time yesterday, it was exactly what I needed to hear. It gives me assurance that, though I feel small and inadequate sometimes, I can do what Haiti needs more than anything else. I can carry her to Jesus!


(don't forget to pause the music at the bottom of the page)


Carry You To Jesus
Steven Curtis Chapman

I will not pretend to feel the pain you're going through
I know I cannot comprehend the hurt you've known
And I used to think it mattered if I understood
But now I just don't know

Well I'll admit sometimes I still wish I knew what to say
And I keep looking for a way to fix it all
But we know we're at the mercy of God's higher ways
And our ways are so small

But I will carry you to Jesus
He is everything you need
I will carry you to Jesus on my knees

It's such a privilege for me to give this gift to you
All I'd ever hope you'd give me in return
Is to know that you'll be there to do the same for me
When the tables turn

So I will carry you to Jesus
He is everything you need
I will carry you to Jesus on my knees

And if you need to cry go on and I
I will cry along with you
I've given you what I have but still I know
The best thing I can do is just pray for you

So I will carry you to Jesus
He is everything you need
I, I will carry you to Jesus on my knees

I will carry you to Jesus
'cause He is everything we need
I, I will carry you to Jesus on my knees

I'll carry you
I'll take you to Jesus on my knees

2 comments:

I am the Clay said...

You have a beautiful heart.. May God grant you the desires of your heart for your Haiti. Prayer is truly the least we can do, and the most we can.

Agreeing in prayer with you,

Cat said...

beautiful.

makes me cry.

yet... i am left feeling... that...
God wants you to heal too.

bless you.