Monday, May 3, 2010

The Night Before…

It’s another “night before Haiti”

It’s a scene I’ve lived so many times, and yet it is so different.

The last time I wrote from this place was here. 140 days, and a lifetime ago…

I am beyond joyful at the thought of returning, and yet I am filled with something different as well. I don’t know if I can put a finger on what it is. Fear? No, I don’t think so, I am not scared of being in danger, I am not scared of the aftershocks (which they are STILL experiencing, more than 100 days later!) I am not scared really, it’s something else. Perhaps it is the feeling of helplessness. Yes, I think that is it. It was in Haiti that I felt that for the first time, truly being powerless. I don’t like it! I love to be in control but I can’t control the earth. I love being the boss of my life but I’m really not, I like to think I am but I am fooling myself. I learned that lesson but it still escapes me. I still forget at times but there are times when I am forced to remember. I think that the next month will pound that truth into my soul once again. The human in me wants to fight what my spirit craves. I pray that God will use these days to teach me His ways and train me even more to trust Him. I have no reason not to! He has proved Himself worthy in the most trying of times. I think, It’s not that I don’t trust, it’s just that I don’t want to give it all up. I want to give some of it, maybe even most of it, but not all. There are bits that I am just not ready to take my hands out of. I pray that the next few weeks will push me to the point I crave. I pray I will learn in this time I have been given.

The bags are packed and waiting by the door. I am going home…

2 comments:

Jaime said...

I'll be praying for you Rhyan and can't wait to hear what God teaches you this time. I also look forward to seeing your pics.. they are always great! The only difference is that this time I won't be straining to catch a glimpse of my kids!

Anonymous said...

Girl, I think we're twins!! I have felt the same way. I love control, I just can't completely give it up. My brothers and sisters always tell me that I'm SO bossy. I just love control! I have also felt the feeling of helplessness, to the extreme. Watching my sister die, just sitting at home. Then after all that, I was sitting on the edge of my chair, having to sit back while my sister could die any second. Total helplessness. Again, I completely understand you!
Mattie Patterson