I am scared of arriving in Haiti on Tuesday morning and finding it changed. Yes, I have seen what Haiti now is, but only in bits that were muted by the knowledge that I did not have the luxury of breaking down. I have seen Haiti while riding in cars full of children who needed me to be strong. I have witnessed the “new” Port Au Prince while in a vehicle full of Haitians, never in the luxury of my own thoughts.
Tuesday, I will see. Tuesday I will take a ride through a city that is broken and I will look out my window and try to take it all in. I will stare out at land that I love, and that I don’t recognize. I do not remember those days following the quake in a reality. They were hours I look back on in a dreamlike state. The days and weeks where I just was. I didn’t feel, I didn’t see, I just made it through. I was in that first step of grief, denial. I was convinced that this was not real, it was a dream, a nightmare really. As the weeks have passed I have gone through other steps. I don’t know that I followed the “conventional” way but I have taken steps in my grief. I have felt anger! Anger that made me scream out at the God I love because at times, I loved Haiti even more. I could not understand the pain they had, I could not comprehend why. I have had moments of bargaining, where I cried out to God, promising I would give up things precious and dear to me, if He would just take me back to January 12th and take it all away. Depression, you can bet I’ve faced that. In those moments where the truth breaks through the fog, I am filled with a darkness and loss that can not be put into words. I was created to love Haiti. It is the passion of my heart. NOTHING means more to me that Haiti. How is it possible that I am to go on in this place. Please don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade this passion for anything. I loved Haiti before the world knew her pain and I will love her long after they forget. Yet, I can’t help but question “why”. Why couldn’t I be called to work for the people of Bozeman Montana. Why not Fergus Falls Minnesota. Why must I be the one to love those forgotten, worthless by the world’s standards, unlovable ones. Why can’t I be content in this comfortable world. Why do I have to go? Why is this world full of pain the only thing that eases mine? Anger, bargaining, depression I’ve felt it all but it’s the last “step” that gets me. Acceptance, will I ever reach that point? The point where I accept this has happened, the point where I accept the calling that I love will never be easy? Will I ever be at a point where I am able to accept that this is what I am to give it all up for. Am I strong enough? God, are you sure you haven’t made a mistake? Are you sure it wasn’t someone else you meant when you prepared this trip, are you sure I can do it? I guess I can accept that He will give me what I need to live it out. But Accept the pain? No, I can not.
Do you know what else I am scared of? I am scared of walking into that building and not seeing this face
Or this one…
How do I grieve missing this little girl when I am supposed to be happy for where she is?
Believe me, I am rejoicing for them, but I hurt too. I hurt for me, who will not hold them again
Mostly, I am scare of not seeing him…
I don’t know how to separate Haiti from Him and Him from Haiti. They are one in the same to me.
They are what I fell in love with. They are what makes me get up and keep going. They are everything I love. How is it that I can take one from the other. I don’t know but I guess I will learn. It is a “new normal” I will learn but I think of the grief I feel over what is no longer is allowed, if only for a moment, I will grieve for what will be missing… I will miss my Ti Raje, my G-bebe, my little M, those that captured me, the sweet little faces that I knew and loved. I will grieve the reality that it will bring, the day that I face the Haiti that I knew and the Haiti that is. I will face it, I will grieve and then I will open my heart to what the future will bring. I will open my arms to the hope that I put my trust in. I guess, in that moment I will finally reach the “acceptance” in what I never want to accept.
I will do it but I will never mislead you into thinking it was easy for me. I will get on a plane and I will take a step that seems impossible, but I will do it. I will face it, I will be stronger than I think I can. I will go into the land I was created for, why? Because it is what I love, it is what I crave and it is my passion that I can not deny. I am scared but my God and my calling is bigger than my fear.
I am so thankful that my God drives out my fears…