Last night I was overwhelmed. In a scary, but really blessed way.
Memories and pictures were exploding through my mind. Eyes of children that I will never be able to help, because I am just me and I can only do what I can do, and it’s never going to be enough.
Espwa Berlancia is a dream that is coming true right before my eyes and I am so incredibly happy. But, it comes along with this unexpected guilt of who I am leaving out. I have such a specific purpose and some people don’t fit into the criteria of the work that God has made clear to me. That hurts… it hurts really bad because I want to save the world but in order to not kill myself doing it, I have to have boundaries.
Right now I am struggling with the need that is all around me. I have formed beautiful relationships during my time in Leogane and I am so thankful for them, I would be lost without the companionship of my dear friends there. And yet, the needs that plague the Haitian people affect everyone, my friends are not immune and saying no becomes a lot harder when you really, truly care for the ones in need. I don’t mean care like I care about “the people” around me. I mean care like, crying on your shoulder, sharing Christmas dinner, friend like a sister, care. When those friends need something, there is no way to not share their burden and there is no way to turn your back. Sometimes they are matters of urgency and life and death, sometimes they are as simple as a few hours and some energy put into a specific project. All of the time the are impossible to ignore. I have a responsibility to those who support me to tell them what I am doing in my work. I have a responsibility to be clear and honest with what my projects will be and how our funds will be spent. I have a responsibility to work as long and as hard as it takes to get those things done. I understand that but it makes me sick to know that sometimes the things that I really want to do don’t fit into my purpose anymore.
I wonder how long I can possibly struggle with this idea. It’s been 3 years now and it’s not going away. If anything it’s getting more urgent. The more I know the more I care. The more hands I hold the more my heart is torn.
I am trying to trust and trying to follow. I am trying to listen when God tells me what to do and what not to do. I am trying, but I am fighting because honestly, like I said, I just want to do it all.
It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”