Tonight I have both.
Tears and Faith. Sadness and hope. Love and pain. I am am feeling it all.
Soon I will share all of the things that are weighing on my heart. All of the pain and responsibility that I am glad to bear… that I have begged to be given.
Soon, but not now.
Now, I will just cry because I am really, really tired. But I have no choice to carry on. Because I love each and every one of their precious hearts.
I will carry on because when I close my eyes I see their faces and when it is silent I hear their pleading. “please bring a mama and papa for me” and “ have you found someone for me yet”
How can I say no, and how can I lie?
How can I move on with my new life and walk away? I can’t. It’s just as simple as that. But it’s also really complicated.
And so… I hope those of you who read this aren’t as easily overwhelmed as I am. Because honestly, at this moment I am beyond what I ever asked to carry. Beyond my strength, but for some reason I still press on.
I do it because He provides my strength. Because I know He promises to put them into families. And He brings them to me, and He takes them away. I am but a vessel, that hasn’t quite learned to turn when the Captain commands, but I’m trying.
Someday, maybe I’ll get there. Until then I will do my best. For those who need me for now, and those I will hold for as long as God will grant. I will do the most that my human body and soul can.
I promise and strive for that.
I realize this is a great big mess of emotion, something that I should probably edit and fix before I publish, just to make sure it’s comfortable for people to read. But I’m not going to. Mostly because I crave someone, anyone to come alongside with me. You might not know the entire story but doesn’t your heart break for the orphans that invade mine?
Please, don’t leave me alone to advocate for them. Please, if it’s all we do tonight, pray for these precious little bodies. lives, minds and souls.
My heart is shattered into 147 million pieces….