Sunday, April 10, 2011

Tears and Faith

Tonight I have both.

Tears and Faith. Sadness and hope. Love and pain. I am am feeling it all.

Soon I will share all of the things that are weighing on my heart. All of the pain and responsibility that I am glad to bear… that I have begged to be given.

Soon, but not now.

Now, I will just cry because I am really, really tired. But I have no choice to carry on. Because I love each and every one of their precious hearts.

I will carry on because when I close my eyes I see their faces and when it is silent I hear their pleading. “please bring a mama and papa for me” and “ have you found someone for me yet”

How can I say no, and how can I lie?

How can I move on with my new life and walk away? I can’t. It’s just as simple as that. But it’s also really complicated.

And so… I hope those of you who read this aren’t as easily overwhelmed as I am. Because honestly, at this moment I am beyond what I ever asked to carry. Beyond my strength, but for some reason I still press on.

I do it because He provides my strength. Because I know He promises to put them into families. And He brings them to me, and He takes them away. I am but a vessel, that hasn’t quite learned to turn when the Captain commands, but I’m trying.

Someday, maybe I’ll get there. Until then I will do my best. For those who need me for now, and those I will hold for as long as God will grant. I will do the most that my human body and soul can.

I promise and strive for that.

I realize this is a great big mess of emotion, something that I should probably edit and fix before I publish, just to make sure it’s comfortable for people to read. But I’m not going to. Mostly because I crave someone, anyone to come alongside with me. You might not know the entire story but doesn’t your heart break for the orphans that invade mine?

Please, don’t leave me alone to advocate for them. Please, if it’s all we do tonight, pray for these precious little bodies. lives, minds and souls.

My heart is shattered into 147 million pieces….


Shelly said...

Rhyan, we are praying for you and you are not alone. Our hearts are there with you. You are being lifted up and the burden you carry, you do no carry alone. Praying for peace in the waiting and we wanting you to know we look forward to coming along side of you in both prayer and physical ways as the plans God has place before you come together.

Melanie said...

Dear God I pray Rhyan into your strong arms, carry her through this difficult time. Give us all a burden for the 147 million children who have been orphaned. Most of all give each of us hearts that begin to value children as the precious gifts they are. May we truly begin to understand their worth and give them the value they deserve. May we each love them as You would have us love them.

Brittany said...

I'm right there with you, praying and feeling those things too. I'll be thinking of you as I'm loving on and taking care of my own set of orphans that have completely overtaken my heart.

~ To God Be the Glory!


Rebecca said...

Please, don't ever be tempted to rewrite something to make it comfortable for us. Confort is overrated.

I am praying for your precious ones.

Vicki said...

Rhyan, He knows. His burden is light and His yoke is easy. I donot have all the answers, but I know the one that does. Ask Him for whatever you need, whenever you need it, whatever it is.
15 years, 20 years ago, I would say, I can't take anymore, you have to save me. Well, these years later, I found I could take more. And even now, I havewanted to give up for some time now, but little by little, He is restoring hope to me.
Thinking of all the children everywhere, that need help and hope is overwhelming. You can only do what God puts in front of you to do, and you can only do what you can do, the rest God must do, because He can. I so admire what you are doing and wish that I too could do that, but that, at least for now, is not what He has put there for me to do. Focus and find out what it is that God has for you to do this day, and do it with His strength and lean back in Him, and He will do it through you. The battle is the Lord's, even this one. And I will sit down right now and pray for you. He sees you, He loves you and He loves your children. He will not fail you.
Be in relationship with Him, I believe that is the most important thing for you to do. God is with you, I will pray now. You don't need to publish this, just want to encourage you, as long as you are doing what He is telling you, He will take care of the rest, it's His responsiblity. Love to you, Vicki Lien

stephanie said...

Rhyan ~
You have the heart of a Mother that feels the pain of her Children. I am walking with you, even though their is a distance between us. I know this is a difficult time and emotions are strong. You are being lifted up in prayer and Jesus knows all of His Children that you so love. You are a strong young women, know that you can be honest and vunerable.....those that follow you know that what you do is a hard job God has called you - He will equipt you with all you need each day, and one day at a time. Sending you love and hugs tonight my friend.

Stephanie x

Tammy said...


You are not alone. I know the feeling though. This is your passion, your work for the Lord and it's easy to feel alone in the fight when it seems like others don't get it. We are here to support and come along side you. I share this passion for the orphan with you. And I know that there are others too. Praying!!