Wednesday, July 27, 2011

"I never wanted to be different; I just wanted to be me.”

I never wanted people to tell me that I do amazing things, because I don’t. I wish they could see into my every single day and see how incredibly insignificant and small I am.
Then again, the scariest thing in my world would be if they could really see.
I never wanted to give up my life, move to Haiti and be someone who touches lives. Sometimes A lot of days, I still don’t. I just wanted to be me, what I am deep down inside.
Which is not perfect, or good or even a little bit admirable.
What I am on the inside is flawed. A girl who screws up a million times a day. A person who could never do enough “good” to equal out the crap. A great big mess, trying to wade through life.
But aren't we all?
Anyone can present themselves as calm and collected when they have control over what the world sees. But what about those times when the cameras are off. When we are alone in our own lives.
The truth is that we are all screwed up in our own special ways.
In my “private” world, the one I don’t sit down and write about, sometimes I hate this country that I love. Sometimes I do things without thinking them through, things that can erase weeks of relationship building with my neighbors in seconds. Sometimes I suck.
And sometimes you do too.
No disrespect, I’m sure you are a perfectly nice person. But face it, you are not perfect no matter what you present to the outside world.
Me neither!
So there it is, I won’t invite you into the muddy mess of my life but I will be honest enough to tell you all that more often than not, I fail.
Thankfully, I have a God who doesn't need me to replay all those mistakes because even if I tried to remind Him, He wouldn't remember. Because ‘as far as the east is from the west” so far as He has removed my junk and muck.
I am not perfect, neither are you. Thankfully we don’t need to be, because The Perfect One, the only One who really knows the depths of our inside lives, took care of it.
I never wanted to be someone anyone looked up to. I still don’t. I don’t want anyone to look at me and think that I am doing “good” things. I just want to be me, a human, who screws up good things and turns beautiful opportunities into great big messes. But I pray that when they discover the real me they also see how far grace extends. While I am a mess I am still find myself in His love. I am a person who can’t be separated from the One who created me. The one who knitted a passion into me from the very beginning. Haiti is not a passion that is mine to claim, it is a passion that was His to give.
I will never be the person that I strive to be, the person that I pretend to be when I sit down to write a bunch of bs that doesn't even begin to dip into reality.  I will only be His and thank God, it is enough!


Rachel Allen said...

rhyan, i hope you don't mind if i steal this and repost it... because i sat down and tried to say the same thing... but i couldn't do it justice.

Rhyan said...

Go for it girl!