Until I can hold you again.
On September 19th Baby Oleson was swept up and away from this world, he was received with joy into his Father’s arms. Whispered promised of glory and paradise reached his little ears as he was rocked close by his Abba Daddy.
In March, 4lbs of precious baby was placed in my arms and I fell in love. I had never held such a tiny treasure and the second that I felt his feather weight against me I was smitten. I was like a new mother, I undressed him and counted every finger and toe, I waned to see for myself that he was perfect in every way, and he was. Oh, if you could have had the blessing of smelling his tiny head and cradling him in your arms, you would know the feeling too. Some of you do. (Betty, I am thinking about you and crying with you right now)
From that day on Oleson was my love, the nannies joked with Gup about his new “baby brother”. Because he was so tiny, each night I would lie on my bed and hold him close to me, skin on skin, hoping that it would help him thrive. I fed him and changed him and took him out to show the world, my beautiful new treasure.
On the way home from the airport Saturday I found out that just 5 days before I arrived home, Oleson had died. When I heard the words they didn’t really kick in. I had just arrived and was driving from the airport to my house. I can honestly say that I have never felt so happy, angry, fulfilled, proud, thankful and devastated at the same time. I wanted to cry, I SHOULD cry and and at the same time I was so completely ecstatic to be home that I couldn’t stop smiling. I smiled and then tears fell, and then I smiled again. I laughed at something someone said and then I was struck with an overwhelming guilt. Oleson was dead and I was smiling. I hate this life so much sometimes!
I know that to you he was just a picture of a cute baby on a blog you once saw. If that’s all he is to you that’s fine. I couldn’t expect more. But to me, Oleson was the baby that taught me that sitting still and watching baby eyes open and close is better than any award winning movie. From Oleson I learned that getting up in the middle of the night to feed a hungry baby is a blessing and a joy, he was the baby who taught me to treasure those late night stolen moments. From Oleson I learned more than I could ever touch with just words. He gave to me, in those short months, more than I could have every dreamed of giving to him.
There are missions that deal with the deaths of children every single day. I am not one of them. I am not used to it... I am not used to the idea of a baby that I loved and held and poured dreams and prayers into, being gone. There are places that burry babies and it doesn’t kill them. I’m jealous. I wish that I could do that to. I wish that God had chosen to give me even just a portion of the strength he gives to them. But I am weak, and I am broken, a baby that I loved died and it rocked my world. I am devastated . I don’t want to wait for Heaven to hold him again, I want him here now and I don’t even care how selfish that can sound. It’s what I want. I want to tickle the spot of the left side of his chin that always made him smile. I want to feel his newness in my arms. I want him to be with me!
After the tears came the what ifs. 5 days… If I had been here just 5 days sooner there is a good chance that Oleson would be alive today. I knew him, I knew what to do to help him, I could have done something. I have equipment that could have helped him. I could have been here, holding him. Could have, should have, would have… you can live your life like that but you will never be free if you do, you can’t live for the what if and the could have been. I have to chose to live for today but that doesn’t mean that I am not heartbroken. He died and it sucks and so I’m going to cry if I want to cry, feel guilty if that’s what I feel and I am going to grieve for I life I loved a lost.
Oh God, I miss him. I can’t even think of an elegant way to end this so I wont.
In this world, Oleson, you were loved!