Monday, November 7, 2011

Blan

This week I spent some time in the orphanage. I go there a lot. I miss those kids like crazy, I miss having other people to live with, I miss how “simple” it was. I miss it and so, to take some time out of the rest of my day I go back. I play and chat and it’s almost like it used to me, almost.

Last week when I walked in the door a baby cried. He screamed and ran away, when the nanny tried to comfort him he just cried one word over and over, blan, blan… He was new. He didn’t know me. I was just another white person.

When I arrived today one of the little girls couldn’t remember my name, someone else reminded her. Once upon a time, 8 months ago,she took her first steps, into my arms. 8 months ago she loved me, and now she doesn’t remember my name.

Sometimes going back there just kills me because I feel so guilty. “If I were living here there is no way that this would be happening, or that” I think it to myself. I feel guilty when I see the kids who I loved, and who loved me and I wonder if, by leaving,I just solidified the idea of everyone who you love leaving you.

Sometimes I get selfish feelings too, I’ve gone from the one they loved, to just another “blan” just another white face that shows up every once in a while and plays with them. That kills me, I still want to be the one they love!

I realize that Espwa Berlancia wouldn’t be where it was today if I hadn’t left. I realize that God used that orphanage to get me to Leogane, where He wanted Espwa Berlancia to be.

I know it, all the reasons that make sense but I also know their hearts, Rose, Miranda, Bedia, Richelande, Sherley, Mika, Olivier, Jiji, Lucy, Bertha and Berline, Lina, Dorlens, Anel and all the others who are not longer there… I know them by heart. I know which cry belongs to which child in the middle of the night.I know that Mika can write her name but Sherley needs a little help to get the letters in the right order.I know that Anel likes a pacifier but you have to be patient and hold it for him for a few seconds before he can keep it in his mouth. I know that Jiji is worth so much more than lying all alone in a dark room all day.

I know them but someone else does too. Someone else out there aches for that cry in the night and those tiny quirks. Someone who once held her child in her arms as she walked along the dirt path to the Orphanage, a place her neighbor told her about, a place that would find her baby a better life. Someone else misses them.

2 could be enough. Maybe 2 people’s love could be enough for this little one but no, God decided that this baby should have even more, he deserved even more love. God decided that 2 more people should love this little one. Soon, they will join those families and those families will learn their little quirks, and they will be the once to experience the new ones. Soon the “mama” will be for real, forever. Soon they will go home and I can’t wait, Oh I long for the day. For all the time I’ve selfishly cried there have been a hundred tears of joy for where they will go, I wish I could see who they will be but that wasn’t the part of the path that God chose. He gave me first words and first steps and first “I love yous”. He will chose someone else to have the first day of school, first broken heart and first apartment. You could think them the lucky ones, they get the rest of it all but I bet you anything they would give an arm and a leg to have had what I did. Personally, I would give and arm and a leg to give it to them. But God’s plans are not our plans and so I won’t waste my time with the questions, again.

But tonight, my heart will be a little sad, because it’s happening, I’m going from Rhyan to Blan….

1 comment:

Lisa Marie said...

Rhyan, I feel ya girl.It's hard to invest and have them forget. At the root, we understand that nothing is for our own glory or acknowledgement, yet sometimes we are weak, and it pierces the heart to lose that special place in the kid's lives. I see that even with OLTCH. It used to only be me. I was the only white person that cared, that knew, the visited. Now there are many. But what a blessing right? Praise God that more people care and know about those kids! God please give us your grace to be whatever part of the equation you need us to be.