Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I Just Call You Mine

There is a country song that I just love, I don’t have it on my ipod so the only time I hear it is when I’m in the US and listening to the radio. Every single time I see his face… I hear the words and they were written for him and I.
My baby. MINE. For more than a year I have held him, poured my heart and soul into him, loved him like I have never loved before. For more than a year he has been mine.

For more than a year before that, he was hers. She held him, gave him everything she had to give, though it was far too little for what he needed. For more than a year, before I loved him, she did. He was hers.

Today we struggle, two women who love this precious child. One, who gave him life. One, who has been there to watch him live it. One,who thinks about him every day… wondering and wishing. One, who wakes up to his kisses each morning and sees him grow. One, he knows, the other a distant memory. Both gripped by love.

Today that love hurts. More than anything has ever hurt before. It aches and rips my heart into a million pieces because today, she told me she wants him back.

Please, don’t judge her! Please! Pray with love. Yes, she gave her baby away. No, I don’t know why. It doesn’t really matter, does it? Because she did, I got the greatest gift of all. Because she did, I became “Mama”. Because she did, I am who I am today.

If she takes him back I am no less “Mama” I am no less me, the one I have become. My lessons are learned. Should he go, I will still be me, but broken. I will be me, missing him. It doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t “fit”. But it is constant.

For a while he was hers, and then he was mine. Now, he might be hers again but above all he is His, he has always been. God, who loves him more than I ever could, who hates to see his babies cry. God, who holds me and Gup and Wideline all in his hands. Who knew our story long before it began. He planned this, Who chose this for me. I can not sit here and tell you I like it but I will accept it. I can do it because I know that life isn’t meant to be fair or easy to happy all the time. Sometimes moms can't have their babies with them. Sometimes kids are hungry and scared. Sometimes it all just sucks, yes, painful things suck, but God is still good.

I have to believe that my God is good.

Oh Lord, please be good to my baby. Please, oh please… should you chose to give him to another, hold him for me, for the rest of his life. My heart cries to you, oh God, PLEASE, let me keep him and if you don’t, oh Lord, keep him for me!

Wideline and I have been to court over this twice now. After the last session I have very painfully decided that we will not go again. The honest truth is, she is his mother. So many things have come to light in my meeting with her, so many reasons that make me believe that there is a chance, a hope, that he might be ok. I might not, but he will. The decision has been made. Wideline has agreed to wait until January to come again but when she does, as far as things stand now, Gup will leave to go home with her. We are still working on logistics…perhaps starting with short visits back and forth while he adjusts. I have even offered to have her come and live here for a while so he can get to know and love her again, after all, they don't know each other right now.

I have hope that this situation, while as awful as I could imagine, might be as smooth as possible for my little boy. After all, he is who this is all about. I may cry my guts out when he’s not looking but while he sees I will smile and hug and kiss and remind him, over and over again how beautifully precious he is! I will do everything I can while I still have the power, to remind him of God’s love. I will continue to teach him to pray, to hold his hand, laugh over his silly dance moves. I will rock him to sleep every single night even though I stopped rocking months ago. While I can, I will hold him close.

Please, pray with me. For my heart, for Wideline’s but most of all for Gup. My heart is breaking but it will shatter if I know that he is hurt. I need him to be ok. Honestly, I need him with me, but I need him for me. If I am half the mother I want to be I will do what is best for him, not for me. If I am to be the mother he deserves then I will do the very thing that hurts me the most, but gives to him the best. I can do it... I can do this but I don't want to!

Oh, God, please don’t ask me to do this!


Joey Butcher said...

Rhyan, just as my children were better for having you, so will he. You are right that God is the master of all of this. I reread the poem that you wrote in tribute to returning Alex and Samantha so you could begin serving in Haiti and your love and nurturing has surely continued to follow them just as it will Gup. We are all praying for you and Gods perfect plan. Just know that we wish we could give you Butcher love in person. God loves you, Nanny Rhyan!

Vanessa said...

My heart aches for you Rhyan. With you. Your words were so powerfully eloquent. I am praying and will continue to do so!!

Brittany said...

Oh sweet Rhyan,

My heart breaks for you right heart is so hurt for you right now, because, i know the excrutiating pain, to love one as your own, to BE 'MOMMA' and then to have someone else come and take it away from you.. I know that, I'm in that struggle now, where daily I have to utter the words through pain "God... you are good." Just remember what you know, be intentional of reminding yourself of what you know. Praying for you dear friend!