Well, I’m doing it. I’m surviving, even thriving, in some ways. I play with Annabel, I clean the bathrooms, I fill out paperwork and I put band-aids on all the hurts that knock on my gate.
Gup is all moved in, back with his Mom and Dad. He left the 27th and we have been working on getting them situated ever since.
The good news is that I was able to find them a house super close to mine. This is the view out my bedroom window.
See that wooden building with the tin roof there in the center of the photo? That is Gup’s family’s new house! There is just one house/tent between us.
I am able to walk and visit several times a day, if needed. However, I have to force myself to remember that I can’t go there several times a day, I can’t even go there every single day. I need to give them time, as a family to find their new “normal”. Still I go often.
Last week I went and stood in the doorway, amazed, in praise to God for keeping His promise to me. A promise that He would hold my baby when I couldn’t… Gup and his big brother sat on the floor while their mother read to them from the Bible. Later in the week I visited and found them all gathered around the TV, watching a praise and worship DVD and singing along.
My baby lives in a home that is teaching him to love Jesus. Above all else, more than the pain of missing him, I have joy. Joy that my boy will grow up in a place that teaches him Truth, a place that knows the hope and the future that our God promises.
I can’t tell you it doesn’t hurt. There are moments that literally take my breath away when I am hit with how much I miss him. I do everyday things and then just stop… wishing he was here, remembering what it was like when we were a family. But, there is an underlying peace that can only come from The Father. I am not hiding in bed all day, I don’t cry all the time, I’m not falling apart. Not because I didn’t love him but because God has given me peace. God has given me the GIFT of peace. At first I felt guilty. I SHOULD be falling apart, I SHOULD be lying in bed all day, so broken that I couldn’t face the day. I SHOULD have felt the way that I was supposed to feel, how the world told me to grieve. But then I remembered a whispered promise, “we do not grieve like those who have no hope…”. He was mine, only for a short time but God is claiming him for our forever family even now. Someday, we will be together in a place that never changes, a place where there is no goodbye. God has his hand on my Gup and He is guiding his steps. I don’t have to feel guilty for trusting my Father to take care of my baby. I don’t have to feel guilty for not grieving in the way I am “supposed” to. I don’t have to feel guilty on the days that I get up and smile and laugh.
I don’t go on because I didn’t love him enough to hurt, I do it because My God loves him, and me, enough to wipe that pain away.