Today was hard. Not extraordinary, just hard.
Today I was homesick and I let my mind wander to the “what if’s” What if I could just hop on a plane with my baby and fly away for a while. What if I could just have a break, a few hours of coffee with my sister. What if I could just sit with my mom and watch her hold my daughter in her arms. What if I wasn’t “stuck” in this place.
And then I was crabby. I was on edge because someone didn’t speak to me the way I though they should. I was frustrated and snappy.
And I was tired! Annabel didn’t sleep well last night and I would give just about anything for a nap.
Sometimes, in the middle of this crazy world I still manage to forget just how difficult it is. I get caught up in the blessing of incredible friends, material comforts and my sweet baby girl. I get frustrated when things aren’t just so and I forget to look at the world just in front of me.
And while I easily forget, moments present where I have no choice but to remember. Some days I am reminded harshly that this world is hurting. Full of pain and broken in sin.
Late Tuesday night a baby boy died. He was tiny, malnourished and sick but oh my, was he beautiful! 6 days ago his papa handed him to me to feel his slight weight in my hands, yesterday I handed back to him a tiny box.
This afternoon I went to visit the NICU for a much needed lift in my spirits. I didn’t find it. Instead I found our nurses gathered frantically around an incubator. 3 or 4 pairs of hands at a time reaching for different equipment. Administering different medications and checking stats. Standing back and watching her slip away I have never felt so aware of my own blood cursing through my veins. As they listened for her heartbeat my own pounded in my ears. I watched the clock and as that second hand crept around and around, we all knew, she was gone.
For the second time in 2 days I opened a bin of clothing that we keep and pray to not need. For the second time in 2 days I cradled a tiny little treasure and for the first time in a long time I let the tears fall. We like to think that these children are “ours” that for some reason we have a right to them but I am reminded once again that they are His and He is the one who holds their every breath.
I wrapped up the little pink blanket and I walked out of that room discouraged and frankly, a little angry. “I don’t get it, I never will and I don’t want to do it anymore.”
Tonight, because my sweet Jesus knew how badly my heart needed to hear from Him, we sat in worship. Singing His praise, the words that flowed from my mouth ripped into my heart.
“All of my ambitions, hopes and plans, I surrender these into Your hands…For it's only in Your will that I am free…All for Jesus.”
Not for me. It’s not for the lives I see resorted or the tiny bodies I see buried. It’s not for the blessing of a baby girl in my life or the heart wrenching pain of a son who was once mine but isn’t anymore. It’s not for strength, weakness, sorrow or joy. It’s not for the stories I have to tell or the eyes that are opened to this place called Haiti. It’s all for Jesus because, if it wasn’t I would have given up a long, long time ago.
Only in His will am I free to hand it all to him, over and over again.