Wednesday, December 19, 2012

I Choose Love

Tonight I poured water from a bucket over my tired body while tears coursed down my cheeks. Some nights a shower and tears go hand in hand.

Today, to everyone's surprise and despite the best efforts from amazing nurses and an incredible doctor, Sweet Wadagans died. His broken heart was all done fighting, God scooped him up and took him home.

I loved that boy. I loved his smile and the way his eyes lit up when I came in the room. I loved his silly faces and his incredible laugh. I loved his quiet snuggles and the slow way he would chose exactly which toy he wanted to play with. I loved the fact that just days after open heart surgery, he was smiling and playing and showering us with his contagious joy. I loved his hugs and his fist bumps. I loved something about him that spoke to me. Something that called to my soul and captured my heart.

Tonight while I watched the clean water turn brown as it ran off my legs I cried, a deep, ache in your head and gasping for breath kind of cry. I watched as the dirt swirled down the drain and I desperately wanted to stop it from escaping my grasp. My heart longed to hold on to it because the dirt and muck of this broken day remind me of exactly why I am here. Not to save anyone, I sure didn't do that! It was because that brown water, full of sweat and tears was also full of hope and love. Not the kind of love I have for every child, though I do love them all, it's a love reserved for a special few. The love that is poured into someone, that for one reason or another captures my heart. Wadagans did, and I will never for a second regret it! I was blessed, honored and completely unworthy of being allowed to know the joy that was Wadagans. Not joy in an obvious, smiles and laughter kind of way but joy in a quiet, wise beyond his years and kindred spirit of hope kind of way.

Wadagans was a little boy that I knew and adored and who, once again, changed "my Haiti". He gave another face and another name to the love that I am called to live. To see one of God's most precious creations, to give myself to them, to put hopes and dreams and worth upon them, that is what I am here for. I can find it in an old man who needs someone to sit with him while he tries desperately to have just a few words heard or I can find it in a malnourished little girl who needs to hear someone whisper that she is precious and treasured. It comes at the most unexpected time and in the most surprising place, it crashes over me like a wave when I am unable to stop its force and it comes to me softly, in a whisper of grace, in a moment of fear.

Love her, hold your heart, let Me in.

Love is beautiful but sometimes, a lot of times, it hurts. It hurts because it's so real and so raw that it makes us vulnerable to the brokenness of this world. At the same time, it also makes us available to see Him more clearly. Because God loves us, with that kind of reckless, no matter what, capture His heart kind of love. The kind that we here on earth can only hope to see. It's the kind of love that is willing to send His Son as a tiny baby to rescue His lost. It's the kind of love that let that same Son die to break the chains of sin that kept us apart. It's the kind of love that looked down and saw him, a little orphaned boy and said "bring me my child" and it's the kind of love that said "yes, even though she is broken and weak, I'll let her be a part of this".

If left to my own design, I would never have chosen a life where my heart is broken, over and over again. If it were up to me, I would have escaped this place a long time ago. But, much like the love for Wadagans, that without my understanding captured me, so has His call. I have to believe that this plan is for something more than I can see on this dark night. That somehow, someday it will all be worth it. Until then I pray and I beg, with every ounce of my faith, to be captured again. For as long as it takes and until I go to Him, to allow me to love His people and through it, learn to be loved by Him.


Kathryn said...

I remember how much you loved Wadagans. You told me once about how one of the hard parts about having Annabel is that it leaves you with much less time to spend with the kids at GLA who you really love, and when I asked who those kids were, you immediately responded, "Wadagans. I just love him. I think he has the most precious little face." You didn't cite any other kids, just him. Praying that God's peace which surpasses all understanding floods you today and in the days to come as you continue to be His hands and feet and love His people even when it hurts.

Margie said...

Beautiful and touching post. I'm so sorry for you loss. Wadagans sounds like he was a very special little person. He is resting now, but when Jesus comes and Wadagans' eyes open, I am sure that one of the first faces he will look for will be yours. You meant the world to him, of that I know. God bless you!