It’s been a year this week that my life was turned upside down by a knock on my gate.
A year ago this week that I found out that the son that had been mine wouldn’t be able to stay. The dreams I had for him and our life together came crashing down with one small demand. I was devastated. Beyond devastated, I put on a brave face but inside I was broken. I had no idea how life would go on without that little boy. I had no idea how I would ever be content again, let alone happy. I had no idea how God would ever be able to pick up all of those broken pieces and turn them into something beautiful. But I am weak, and He is strong. My vision is clouded and my understanding, dim. His beautiful plan, set into motion before I ever took a breath, was not deterred by the pain that losing my son brought, if anything, it was made all the more beautiful because of it.
Because a year ago, even though I put on a happy face, there was no joy in my heart. I struggled to find good in a very bad situation. A year ago I couldn't see how anything I was doing in this country meant anything. I couldn't see what in the world God would possibly want with me.
But through this year of growing pains and giant mistakes, of fighting for control and embarrassing temper tantrums, He was working.
He blessed me more than I could ever imagine and much more than I will ever deserve. With friends who have become as dear as family, a daughter who brought laughter back into my home and a passion for His will to be done. He brought me back to the place where I found a longing for His people and He gave me that overwhelming passion once again.
I am still a mess, and I always will be but He looks at that mess and He sees potential. Somehow He sees something that He can not only use, but that He can control. That’s right, control. That great big, bad, scary to give up thing. Being broken hurts and even when all the pieces are put back together the memory of the pain is still there. That memory is enough to overtake the human inside of me that wants to be in charge and let Him be the boss.
Great big and beautiful things happen in Haiti every day and they would happen if I weren’t here but the beautiful things that happen in me, they happen because I am here.
There are moments in this life that literally take my breath way, when I think on how much God cares about the smallest details of my life.
In May I came back to GLA because I needed a quick place to stay for a while. 7 months later I could not be more grateful for how things have worked out. I was blessed to spend the last 7 months in a place that cares for sweet, sick and fragile babies. While the losses that I experienced were heartbreaking, the things that I learned were priceless. Being allowed into the NICU at GLA while they cared for children taught me more about medical care in Haiti and grew my hunger to learn as much as I could about how to best help the people here.
Last spring I met a woman named Jessica, a nurse who is living in Haiti while adopting her sweet daughter, Phoebe Kate. Jessica and I quickly became fast friends but I had no idea how God would bless our friendship. This summer Jessica introduced me to a program called Midwife To Be and I instantly felt a click, like this is what I had been waiting for. The course is incredible and right up my alley! I signed up right away and Jessica and I are now both enrolled in this incredible training program.
And, if that weren’t enough, at the same time that my position with GLA was coming to an end Jessica and Phoebe Kate were making a change in their lives too. This lead all 4 of us to start looking for a house that we could rent together. In almost no time (which is pretty much unheard of in Haiti) God provided the most beautiful home for us!
It is right here, next door to GLA. Still among my entire support system and best friends.
It is open and bright and it even has enough room for our girls to have their very own play space!
Jessica and Phoebe Kate moved into the house in November. This week Annabel and I joined them!
We are looking forward to spending Christmas as a family in our new home and pray that God would bless this space to our comfort and to the service of others in whatever way He sees fit.
*Jessica and Phoebe Kate
As you know, in Haiti rent is paid in advance for the year. Our wonderful landlord (again, a blessing from God) has allowed us to move in after paying the first 6 months rent. Jessica was able to cover that cost and now it is up to me to pay the other half by the end of January. This will cover the rent on the house through next November. My half of the rent is $3,000usd our total rent for the year is $5,500 plus $500 addition cost for getting the house ready to move in (new paint etc…)
The blessing and the difficulties of my work come together right here. I hate having to ask others to take care of me, especially when it comes to finances. I hate, hate, HATE it. But I love that I have you all to turn to. You who have traveled through these highs and lows with me. You have “seen” me at my worst and thankfully, you love me anyways. Without your prayers I don’t know where I would be. Without your help now, I don’t know what I would do. While it is humbling and difficult to have to ask, I have no doubt in my heart that God will provide for me, as He always has, through you.
If you feel led to help with this need, I thank you. I thank you for believing in my life in Haiti. I thank you for believing that God can and will use me here, for something. I thank you for still walking this crazy road with me.
You can donate to our rental fund though our chip in button that is linked directly to paypal.
One year ago the family that I had was broken and I didn’t think it could ever feel any other way. Today, while there will always be a part of my heart missing, we have a family again. A family that, for now, is made up of two unbelievably blessed, and maybe a little crazy Mamas and 2 sweet Haitian girls, doing our best to serve our God recklessly.