Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Forever Faithful

I honestly had no idea how difficult the last few weeks would be. I didn't think it would hit me as hard as it did. Each day that brought anniversaries of court dates, broken promises and desperate, longing goodbyes, carried new and long forgotten emotions. It almost seems a blur, those days that I lived. I have no idea how I walked that road. Looking back I know it was by the grace of God only.

Tonight, one year after I said goodbye, a sweet friend sent me absolutely breathtaking photos of a smiling, happy little boy who used to be my son. My breath caught in my throat. How could that child be the baby that I used to rock to sleep? How could he possibly be so grown up? My heart aches and grieves for what our family lost when Gup left. All the dreams I had came rushing back in a split second and it was all I could to to choke back the tears. For a moment I let myself go back to that awful, lost, angry place I found myself in last year.

With blurred vision I left the office and stumbled home, wanting nothing more than to curl up in my bed and sleep it away, I switched on my iPod while I went about the routine of heating bath water and brushing teeth. The very first song that came on was one by Sara Groves called Less Like Scars...

Less Like Scars -Sara Groves

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you

And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

And more like
Character

On year ago tonight I cried myself to sleep, arms and heart aching. Tonight I cried, a little bit too, remembering this time last year but I also felt strong, I felt alive and most importantly I felt cradled in His hands.

I still miss him, I always will. I still grieve the life together that we lost but my Forever Faithful knows, He knows!

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