Monday, April 15, 2013

Never Once

There are walls around everything here. Walls and bars and chains. I wake up and look through the bars on my bedroom window each morning. I live behind a wall punctured by a heavy gate. Even the spare tire mounted on the back of each vehicle is held by extra chains.

All of those things are to keep safe from theft, from intruders, from all the kinds of danger and harm you can think of. They keep out the enemy. They are effective, sometimes too much so. The walls around my house are tall and on days when I feel like shutting this world out they make it easy for me to do. When I want to put up barriers between myself and the ones I am here to serve, the bars on my window provide the perfect hide behind.

There is no doubt in my mind that I am created for something, something big and beautiful, something that I can not see and yet my heart longs for. I don’t question my presence here, this is the pace I was made for. I don’t question by presence but every single day recently I question my purpose.

I beg God to use me while I hide behind my bars and walls of safety, and there are a million excuses on the tip of my tongue and a million reasons to argue why I shouldn’t do the very things He is putting in front of me. I like to present myself as willing, while always ready with an excuse as to why He shouldn’t send me. “I don’t speak the language well enough… The job is too big, the resources too small… I don’t have anyone to watch Annabel”. They go on and on. Days came and went and I did the easiest thing I could, I hid behind the walls and bars that surround me. 

2 weeks ago I figured that my time here is Haiti must be coming to an end. I couldn’t imagine it, I didn’t feel even close to finished with my call here but I couldn’t imagine any other way for it to work out. I was desperate but at the same time I felt almost like I had brought it upon myself. For almost 2 months I have been in a country with immeasurable need and instead of doing something, anything, I sat behind my walls day in and day out. What could He want with me here anymore?

And then, when all I had left was a desperate plea that seemed incredibly unrealistic, and the small bit of faith that had captured my heart so long ago, He showed His power once again. 24 hours after I wrote a rambling post about my needs more than 100% of the money that I needed to stay here in Haiti was in my hands! Not by any coincidence or even just by generosity of each of you. The provisions that God provided in that time were so much more than financial. Once again, though no power of any being but Him, I have what I need. The reassurance that He wants to use me even when I feel the most useless is humbling and incredibly encouraging. The burnout of this life is rampant but He is reminding me that I still have something to give.

I could never find adequate words to thank each of you who gave to keep me here. Every $20 that has enabled me to keep being here to keep being a mother. Today I sit here in our home, knowing that for the near future, I don’t have to worry about having the things we need. It is because of each of you, who chose to share the resources He has give you, with us. When the days I am discouraged come, as they always do, I will forever remember this season when He used you to remind me of His call.

I still have some of the stuff that He needs and never once has He left me to this life all alone. Today I will go outside of the walls and bars and remember why I am here, Who it is I serve and I will  pray for Him to provide the opportunity for me to be a blessing.