He is my son. A precious, tiny new life that will someday become a man, whom God has chosen and set apart.
He is a baby now, but he is a person who deserves privacy and respect and so I struggle to tell his story because it is not completely mine to share.
But, I know you share in my joy and that you love our family and that you pray us through and you cry when we cry and and praise Him for our blessings and so I will share a peek of this new one with you.
In November, a precious woman came into my life. I instantly loved her, I know that God put that love into my heart because at the time I met her I had no idea how much she would change my life. Today, we share a son.
Over several weeks we began to get to know each other in a way that is reserved for a select few in this world. We had meetings full of beautiful redemption and tears of brokenness. I prayed harder for that woman, in those 6 weeks, than I ever have for anyone in my life. I held her hand and held my breath while we stared together at a grainy ultrasound picture and made out the beautiful profile of the child she carried. 3 weeks later I held her hand and I held my breath while she preformed the most amazing work any human can do and a little boy slipped into the world.
A few hours later, I settled mama and her new baby together in a big room full of beds and kissed each of their foreheads and turned to leave. I carried the weight of what she had just asked me to do. I had given her every option I had available to me for this child. I didn't sleep a wink that night, praying the same 3 word prayer over and over again, knowing God heard all the thousands of ramblings of my heart and my head.
The next morning I rode down to the hospital with my stomach full of nerves, everything could change in the next few minuets and I was scared to death. Scared of changing my entire life, scared of changing Annabel’s entire life, scared of what it meant for my ministry and my free time and my finances and my future. I was scared of the judgment of others, I was scared I couldn't do it and I even begged God to not ask me to. And then slowly my heart began to change… The fear turned to peace, the kind that only He can give. God doesn't often ask us to do things that are popular among man and He certainly doesn't command us to step up to the callings of other humans or even hold us to answer to them. It was clear what I was to do. This calling that He had laid upon my life will be, and has been, met with resistance from some but there was never a doubt in my mind that it was His will.
Two hours later mama and baby had been released from the hospital and I settled this amazing woman into the backseat of a car that would drive her to her house and I turned on my own way, up the mountain to bring a little boy home with me.
I hope that none of you doubt for a moment that I exhausted every other option I could for this small baby, his mother and their first family. I long for parents to raise their children. I long for fathers to stay. I long for food for every belly and work to provide for every need. I long for a safe home for each and every person I come in contact with. I feel anger and despair over what the enemy has stolen through sin and brokenness. I feel anger and that anger drives to me do something but just being angry and wishing for things to be the way I think they should, does not take away the reality that they simply aren’t and they won’t be as long as I live in this world.
You can look at my photos and see a cute baby, he is adorable and I am so incredibly thankful that God entrusted him to me. However, a photo will never show the side of adoption that those of us who journey through it know. Redemption does not exist without first pain and brokenness. All around, from the women who carried my children, to me and back to those sweet ones, this journey is far from “cute”. It is messy and complicated but something that started out so painful can become beautiful, I know because I see it happening in our family every single day.
Now I start out on this road again, of knowing a little person, of falling in love with him and promising everything in my power to be mommy, forever. I know the responsibility it carries, I know the sacrifices it means and above all, I know the joy that it will bring. I cannot think of an assignment more powerful and precious than these two being given to me. I am so thankful, I am so blessed.