I’ve been here in Belans for 2 weeks and I have lost count of the times I have though to myself “what on earth have I done???"
If I told you I loved it here, it couldn’t be further from the truth.
If I told you that it felt like home, that I was glad that God has called me to this place, that I was excited about the future here, it would be a bold faced lie.
The truth is, I hate it.
And the truth is that I’ve never wanted to quit something so badly in my entire life.
The truth is that I am desperately lonely for the family of precious friends and support that we left behind in Thomassin.
The truth is, today the only thing keeping me here is my stubborn, prideful heart that refuses to admit failure.
That and a lot of God’s grace.
But I am clinging to the hope that someday I WILL love it, someday it WILL feel like home, someday I won’t cry myself to sleep through the stomach churning guilt of uprooting my kids and bringing them to this place.
We are all moved into our house, that is not nearly as finished as I anticipated it would be before we got here.
We still have no power outlets or indoor bathroom, no windows in some rooms and others that are completely open to the outside at night. We still have no type of water collection or storage save the 3, 5 gallon buckets that I pay a neighbor woman to go fill for me every few days.
It’s HOT. All. The Time. It’s hot at 3am.
Both of my kids are a mess, their once perfect, smooth skin is marked by constant rashes, big bites and gray dust.
Henry has had bouts of diarreah and vomiting and now has an infection in both of his eyes. My kids have always been totally healthy, neither one has ever had even an ear infection, so it’s hard not to feel guilty over putting them in this position. I feel like I am the one making them sick and uncomfortable, after all, I’m the one that decided this for us.
Master Bedroom (HA!)
Growing doesn’t often happen in comfortable circumstances. As things stretch and change there is pulling and forming and sometimes outright pain.
Today we are in the middle of the growing pains that will allow me to look back at this time in our family’s history as something that I am thankful for, but that day is not today and as much faith as I have that this process is for our good, I am still human and I still doubt and I still can’t see beyond right now.
This life, this change, this move, is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. I question it every second of the day but God is confirming in my heart that yes, this is His plan and it is for our good. He sent me an incredible group of people who are willing to come bear the uncomfortable with me for a while and help get our house fixed up! They are going to put tile on my floors, build screens for my windows (right now they are totally open for any creepy crawling thing to waltz right in!) and put some shelves in my kitchen so I don’t have to store things in rubbermaid totes anymore! I am serious when I say that I don’t think I would last here if they hadn’t come to help make this house a refuge for our family.
They have been incredibly generous in offering their time and finances for this project. As we start to get to work we are purchasing supplies like tiles, wood and cement and of course, the cost is already adding up. I know that this, while it feels incredibly selfish, is crucial in me being able to live in Belans long term and build my life, and program here.
Today I am not asking for something for my prenatal program, or a malnourished foster child like I have in the past, today I am asking for a gift that will go dierctly towards my family and our comfort. Again, it feels “wrong” but it’s so very needed.
If anyone is able to help with the cost of fixing up our little house I would be eternally grateful! Any amount, large or small helps. Screens to cover all of our windows will cost about $200. The wood for shelving units in the kitchen will be about $50. Paint for the entire house will be about $300. All of the little things that will add up to our house becoming home are invaluable to us here on the ground. You can donate using the paypal link below.
Thank you for standing by our family and valuing our mental and physical health, as we strive to live a life of joy in the place that God has called us to be.