Sunday, July 19, 2015

When Jesus Say Yes

Here is a little peek into the FUN of life in Belle Anse and a pretty fitting song for this season of my life!

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

That Stubborn Girl

He feels far away and silent, and every cry feels like it's fallen on deaf ears...

But even when *I feel* like He's not paying attention, He is there in the quiet, pushing me along. Reminding me that the stubborn little girl that drove her parents crazy had a purpose. I spent years in  training to become a stubborn woman, who's greatest encouragement is discouragement. 

When things dear to me are taken away and when I have no idea where the money to pay the next bills will come from, it lights a fire deep in my soul that drives me harder than anything else, to prove the doubt wrong and to fight even harder. He has yet to let me down and continually I remind myself that when things are hard it is not his silence but his assurance that He believes that I will be faithful and that my trust and faith will increase. 

My house is slowly coming together, I can't wait to share some "after" photos now that the tile is in, the walls are painted and the the window screens are up! We also have power now thanks to recently installed solar panels! Every day it feels a little bit more like home and now my struggles shift from my physical comfort to the ever present stress of our financial needs and how on earth everything that needs to happen will be possible in the impossibly short amount of time it all needs to happen in. There are still several expenses weighing on me from the move and the first few months of "setting up" in Belans.

My sister has started a gofundme account to help with some current financial needs, including the cost of replacing my computer that was stolen. If any of you feel led to give you can do so though my paypal here or go check out the campaign and donate through there.

In addition, my little family of 3 is in desperate need of monthly financial support. Right now we are living on just under $700 usd a month and it's getting more and more difficult to make ends meet. Our "budget" is set at $2,000 usd per month so at this time we are operating on less than half of that. We are still here, and we are fed and have a roof over our heads but we have many needs that are being pushed to the side right now because of lack of funds. It is my desperate plea and prayer that a few more supporters would come alongside us through monthly financial support. If you would like to join our support team through monthly giving, you can click the link on the right side of this page to get set up.

As always, I trust that our needs will be met and that God will provide. I cringe to think that this blog has become just a tool to raise money, I am conscious that there has been a lot of asking lately and am making an effort to start sharing some incredible stories soon! The beauty of Belans is astounding and I am starting to see the blessings  that I knew I would find. To call this place home is the hardest thing I have ever done but it is quickly becoming clear that it will also be filled with the joy that I knew was lying in wait for our family to discover. I can't wait to share glimpses of it with you.

The truth, what it always has been, is that it is never about how I feel on any given day and all about what He is going to do with whatever tiny bits of willingness that I can scrounge up.

As for God, his way is perfect:

    The Lord’s word is flawless;
    he shields all who take refuge in him.
For who is God besides the Lord?

    And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength

    and keeps my way secure.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;

    he causes me to stand on the heights.
Psalm 18:30-33

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

1 year. 

365 days. 

A lifetime...

Exactly one year ago today I made a commitment to begin a month of fasting and prayer as I struggled to seek God's calling that was becoming more and more evident. 

July 214 was the best and worst month of my life to date. I faced doubt. I confronted my selfishness. I said yes and no, in split second decisions that still haunt me to this day. I loved Moses, and felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest when he died. I prayed until my breath ran out and then I cried out to God in the silence of words unspoken. I begged and I pleaded and argued against the calling that became more clear with every moment. 

By the end of the month it was clear, I was going to Belans. To be honest I knew it from the very first day I stepped foot on the beach. I had committed to a month of, in my mind, not praying to seek God's will, but to be released from a call that scared me senseless. That release did not come and one year later I find myself standing on the same beach and calling it home. Yet, I am still where I was there, crying out to God in the silence of words unspoken, feeling that long ago I ran out of breath. 

In August of last year I announced a plan to move my family to a remote village in Haiti called Belans. In one year I have lost count of the times I have wished that I never told anyone. I wish that I would have buried that secret calling far away from the accountability of living up to it. I wish I still had the luxury of putting it off and promising “someday”. Once that publish button is pressed I not only have Him to answer to but each of you as well. You, who have watched for years as He refined my heart and prepared me through every single step, for this very moment. You should know that when you read these words, YOU are a massive part of what God is doing in Belans and how He is changing my heart to chase after His. God keeps me going and He uses you to do it. On the days when I want to give up I press on because I said “yes” and when I am tempted to forget I have an entire army behind me to remind me, and to pray me through. 

With all the changes of the past year I feel like I am drowning in fear. Or maybe I am just drowning in myself. I feel like everything is out of my control and the ugliness of sin threatens to take over with whispered lies of doubt. I feel like everything is swirling in a tornado around me but even in this storm He is the same, always. He loves me when I least deserve it and I hold fast to that. When I am overwhelmed, He is constant, love. When I am content, He is constant, love. When I am angry at Him, He is constant, love. When I want to quit and I cry and I sob and I fight with everything in me to have my own way, He is constant, loving me when I am most unlovable. 

The past 2 months, and especially the last 2 weeks, rank right up there with the most difficult since I first stepped foot on this island, 7 years ago. I have doubted more, cried more and been tested more, than ever before. 3 years ago I said goodbye to my first son. Last night my computer was stolen, taking with it every single photo that remains of that baby boy and our time together. The entire Caribbean sea doesn’t seem big enough to hold the tears that I have sobbed over that loss but somehow, it’s 3 years later and that moment when I thought I would die in my grief is a memory and I’m still here. Still pushing ahead, still striving towards that invisible goal and the promise that one day I will hear “Well done” and look back and finally understand.