Exactly one year ago today I made a commitment to begin a month of fasting and prayer as I struggled to seek God's calling that was becoming more and more evident.
July 214 was the best and worst month of my life to date. I faced doubt. I confronted my selfishness. I said yes and no, in split second decisions that still haunt me to this day. I loved Moses, and felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest when he died. I prayed until my breath ran out and then I cried out to God in the silence of words unspoken. I begged and I pleaded and argued against the calling that became more clear with every moment.
By the end of the month it was clear, I was going to Belans. To be honest I knew it from the very first day I stepped foot on the beach. I had committed to a month of, in my mind, not praying to seek God's will, but to be released from a call that scared me senseless. That release did not come and one year later I find myself standing on the same beach and calling it home. Yet, I am still where I was there, crying out to God in the silence of words unspoken, feeling that long ago I ran out of breath.
In August of last year I announced a plan to move my family to a remote village in Haiti called Belans. In one year I have lost count of the times I have wished that I never told anyone. I wish that I would have buried that secret calling far away from the accountability of living up to it. I wish I still had the luxury of putting it off and promising “someday”. Once that publish button is pressed I not only have Him to answer to but each of you as well. You, who have watched for years as He refined my heart and prepared me through every single step, for this very moment. You should know that when you read these words, YOU are a massive part of what God is doing in Belans and how He is changing my heart to chase after His. God keeps me going and He uses you to do it. On the days when I want to give up I press on because I said “yes” and when I am tempted to forget I have an entire army behind me to remind me, and to pray me through.
With all the changes of the past year I feel like I am drowning in fear. Or maybe I am just drowning in myself. I feel like everything is out of my control and the ugliness of sin threatens to take over with whispered lies of doubt. I feel like everything is swirling in a tornado around me but even in this storm He is the same, always. He loves me when I least deserve it and I hold fast to that. When I am overwhelmed, He is constant, love. When I am content, He is constant, love. When I am angry at Him, He is constant, love. When I want to quit and I cry and I sob and I fight with everything in me to have my own way, He is constant, loving me when I am most unlovable.
The past 2 months, and especially the last 2 weeks, rank right up there with the most difficult since I first stepped foot on this island, 7 years ago. I have doubted more, cried more and been tested more, than ever before. 3 years ago I said goodbye to my first son. Last night my computer was stolen, taking with it every single photo that remains of that baby boy and our time together. The entire Caribbean sea doesn’t seem big enough to hold the tears that I have sobbed over that loss but somehow, it’s 3 years later and that moment when I thought I would die in my grief is a memory and I’m still here. Still pushing ahead, still striving towards that invisible goal and the promise that one day I will hear “Well done” and look back and finally understand.