This post has been sitting on my desktop for 7 months, I have deleted and restarted and stared and ignored. It’s the longest it has ever taken me to share my heart.
The 9 months since I left Thomassin, sure I was setting out on a new and fulfilling journey, have been the worst of my life. I am still struggling to feel like I can breathe again. I’m scared and confused and more than anything I am really, really sad.
There is this myth in the church that when you are sacrificing to do what God has called you to do, He is somehow responsible to reward you for that sacrifice. Lie. Sometimes God demands that you do hard, hard things and at the beginning, middle and end it’s not beautiful, it’s simply hard. There is no pat on the back, no well done shit, there is just tears and sweat and other ugly things that make the space between His grace and our sin bigger than it has ever been.
Belans was one of those hard things. I went there with a dream and before I could even start to catch my breath the dream was crushed. I lost some dear friends along the way and I came out on the other side in debt, broken down and fighting with everything in me to get out of bed every single morning. When I first arrived in Belans I wanted nothing more than to turn around and go back home. I wanted to pretend like that piece of time was nothing more than a bad dream. But once I was faced with the possibly of leaving, just 6 short weeks later I was as anxious and confused as I was the day the call was whispered on my heart. It’s only now, 7 months since I walked away from that beach of broken dreams, that I feel like the fog is finally starting to lift. More days than not, I get out of bed in the morning and get dressed and find some kind of joy in the 2 lives that are entrusted to my care. That wasn’t true until very recently. I have been in the darkest pit, fighting the demons and lies that wait for me to turn my attention to their screams.
Only a few weeks after calling Belans home I returned to Thomassin, my tail between my legs and my heart beaten and torn. My kids and I moved right back into the house we had left and settled almost instantly into our previous lives. They are in preschool. I am loving on new mamas and malnourished children. What I longed for has happened, that time in that little coastal village is starting to fade into a distant memory, but it turns out what I wanted all along isn’t what I want a all. I WANT to remember that desperate pain, I want to remember the ugly in those days. I crave to always be reminded that I am owed absolutely nothing here in this life and remember that the reward I am striving towards is so much more than I can comprehend or long for now.
It was never about a birth center. A bustling hospital with the ability so serve countless mamas and babies is a beautiful dream but that’s not what God wanted in this season, it’s not what He required of me. What He wanted was simple, my heart. He wanted ever single selfish, tucked away bit. He wanted my obedience, He wanted faith in lack of sight. It wasn’t graceful and it was filled with so, so many ugly moments but in the end that is exactly what He got. He got my yes, my heart frantic to look like His. He wanted it there and He wants it now. He is giving me opportunities every day to discover more of what He has created me for and I know what I’ve somehow managed to forget over and over again, the most fulfilling thing I will ever do in my life is love the ones He loves.
I feel like when this is all done, when I’ve reached that finish line and I look back at the pieces that fit together to finally reveal the picture that He was painting, it will be only then that I will fully understand the purpose of the past year. I will see this tiny piece, tucked away in a corner and I will realize that without this bit, without all the dark shadows and confusing, twisting, turning edges, the picture wouldn’t be complete.
I believe with every fiber of my being that God called me to go to Belans, and I believe with the same ferocity that He called me away. I am struggling to understand why. So far all I have found is stillness. I am trying desperately to find peace in being still too, striving to stop trying to find explanations and to just let Him bless me with opportunities to love and be, right where I am.